Note: The sixth part of my “Beam of Light series”.
Recommended song: Hurts – Stay (Quotations are obviously from that song.)
Rating/category/pairing: NC-17, slash, supernatural elements, romance, angst elements, Adommy, Adam Lambert, Tommy Joe Ratliff
Full size HERE
“My whole life waiting for the right time
To tell you how I feel.
Know I try to tell you that I need you.
Here I am without you.
I feel so lost but what can I do?
'Cause I know this love seems real
But I don't know how to feel…”
Knocking. First he wasn’t sure he heard it right as it was faint and unsure and the sounds of the rain outside nearly completely suppressed it. Adam was laying on his bed in a worn-out T-shirt and some boxers feeling miserable. Again. He was drinking earlier that night too but by now he just had some not so happy buzz and sleep wasn’t an option either since his tired brain didn’t let him. Then there it was: another knock. He checked the time, nearly 3 a.m. He had a pretty good idea who it might be. Getting out of bed he walked to the door bare-footed and took a deep breath before he opened it half way. He was right.
He didn’t say anything as he looked into Tommy’s eyes. What he saw in them only made him feel colder and emptier. He so wanted this conversation to happen earlier. Not now. Not when he knew exactly how it’d go. His world was already shaking and he wasn’t sure he could do this, if he could keep himself together long enough before he’d fall into sharp little pieces.
The silence was dragging out between them as they were just staring at each other. It was unfair how Tommy could look so absolutely fucking gorgeous even in this situation. Fucking unfair. Adam’s heart sank some more, the previous emptiness getting filled with his torn emotions. Fuck, he was a mess. But he tried not to show anything on his face as he fully opened the door and walked back into the room defeated. Maybe he was a masochist for wanting to hear Tommy say those dismissing words.
“You are leaving me” he said once he was sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs. It was more like a statement. He had no doubts about it. But what was he saying? You cannot lose something you never had, right? Right.
“What? N-no…” Tommy said. He sounded tired and scared, fragile even. Adam didn’t look at him but he could feel his frown and stare. He knew how he looked like with the black circles under his eyes, the messy hair, the stubble and the bloodshot eyes, but he didn’t care. He wanted to get over with this.
“No? Then tell me why have you finally decided to show up?” he said nearly coldly. His usual warm radiant self long lost and there was no guarantee he’d ever find his way back to that. Pretending on stage that everything was fine was okay though. It was his job after all. People came to see him sing his soul out and have a good time. No one wanted to see the depressed freak underneath.
Tommy wanted to start talking, but no words came out of his mouth so he closed it for a few moments to gather up some courage and feel less like a pathetic fuck. Seeing Adam like this because of him was killing him and he could blame only himself for overshadowing that bright sun that the singer was. He stole his light and warmth – or at least that’s how Tommy felt in that moment. What a strange thought, he thought to himself while trying to find the right words. He thought it’d go a little easier, but he was clearly wrong. “I wanted to tell that… it was a mistake…” he finally said after a couple of minutes and the painful flinch on Adam’s face and the way his whole body went rigid told Tommy that he misunderstood.
“Thought so” he said so cold and hard that for a second Tommy couldn’t recognize Adam’s voice. He never heard him talk like that.
“No, it’s not like that… it was a mistake because it made you miserable and I’m truly sorry for that…” he trailed off at the end unsure. He was never a man of words and expressing himself in situations like this was always fucking hard. Especially when it was about someone so important like Adam. Scratch that, there was no one else as important in his life as Adam.
“Yeah, well… the damage is done” he said still not looking at Tommy. If he did, he feared he’d fall apart.
“Don’t… just don’t be this sarcastic.”
“Oh really? Then what do you think, how should I act, hm?!” the singer suddenly snapped, anger flaring in his eyes as he finally looked at Tommy, his whole body visibly shaking and ready to jump up from the armchair. “Which Adam do you want me to be for you now? The understanding? The angry? The cheerful? The goofy? The one who always tries to please you and tolerate all your shit? Your distance? Your damned curiosity? The way you are toying with my feelings? Which one?! You know that I always gave you what you wanted – friendship, a shoulder to cry on, my fucking love and yet here we are! After three weeks of avoiding me you finally decide to come here to tell me I’m not what you want, I’m not enough, I’m not what you imagined for yourself and you expect me not to be sarcastic or upset… Just… fuck you, Tommy! I don’t need this. You know nothing about… this or me! Absolutely nothing!” he shouted at the end. At some point he got up and started pacing the room as anger flooded his mind, his shadow self fuelling it as it was hurting too. But when he finished he stopped in front of a window, watching the rain run down on the pane, arms folded in front of his chest and now the anger suddenly left him and it became hard even to breathe and stand there. “I’m so tired… so tired of this” he whispered loud enough for Tommy to hear “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t love you like this when you clearly doesn’t want me that way. I just… can’t. It’s destroying me, Tommy. I can’t breathe. I’m in love with you so fucking much you are killing me. If you want to go, go now” he pressed his eyes shut, not wanting the damned tears to escape again and he was finally able to shut up. He was open and vulnerable enough at the moment. Even if every fiber in him was shouting ‘stay,’ he had to hold on to the last piece of his soul to stay himself. He couldn’t let Tommy take that with him too.
“Alright, everything is alright
Since you came along
And before you
I had nowhere to run to
Nothing to hold on to
I came so close to giving it up.
And I wonder if you know
How it feels to let you go?”
Tommy was staring at Adam frozen to the spot. First he got angry too but that quickly turned into shame as the singer was right. “I know I royally fucked up…” he uttered and he sounded pained as he chocked on the words. His fingers were fidgeting restlessly as Tommy didn’t know what to do with himself. “I’m a selfish bastard” he nodded although he knew Adam couldn’t see him “and I’m so fucking sorry, man. I didn’t want this to turn into something like this. I just… needed some time. And it’s a lame excuse, I know. Especially that I avoided you like this… without any explanation. I was… scared shitless” he confessed and had to swallow hard as he stood too, but stayed there, not daring to move closer. Not sure if he had the right anymore. “Not enough? You were never like that to me. On the contrary… you were too fucking much. Can’t you feel that you overwhelm me? You are like a fucking supernova and I turn into ash in your heat. I lose all control over myself and that terrifies me…” he trailed off and bit his lip, wiping his sweaty palms in his torn jeans.
Adam raised a brow as he forced himself to turn around, his expression unreadable. His ever-changing eyes looked black in the half-lit room and the way they moved told Tommy to go on.
“You know I need my space… that I need to be in my own world when the touring gets too much, when people get too much… that’s the only way I know to make sure I stay myself. And…”
“… ever since I know you, ever since we got close I knew you’d be trouble, danger to me… because you melted away all my defenses so easily I could only stand there unable to do anything against it. Adam… if you don’t know that I’d do fucking anything for you then you don’t know me. I had such a shitty life before you came along and you know I’m grateful because I owe you fuckin’ everything…” he confessed barely audible and as he suddenly found the pattern in the carpet so very fascinating he wished he knew how to stop the flood of words now. Things weren’t going as planned. “And I don’t want… I just can’t lose what we have. Your friendship… that special thing that’s going on between us. You have to feel it too. Tell me you feel it too… that pull… or is it just me who needs to be around you?” he asked unsure all of a sudden.
Adam watched the way Tommy hid behind his hair, avoiding his gaze, shoulders slumped as he bared his soul to the singer for the first time. Of course they had deep conversations before but not like this. He never saw Tommy this vulnerable and desperate to make Adam see his point. And although Adam understood his confusion he couldn’t think clearly from the pain he felt. “You have no idea how much I can feel it.”
“Then you know how much… I need you. I can’t let you go. I can’t leave you. I was just hoping that despite the mess I made… despite of what I did to you… you wouldn’t push me away. That you wouldn’t hate my guts. You know how much I dread change…” he whispered and finally glimpsed up at Adam, the intense stare burning holes into his very soul. He couldn’t be sure if he used the right words, if he was clear enough, if he should do this at all.
Adam ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. He knew Tommy would be his death one day. Maybe it was that day. He felt like they were in a stalemate and he didn’t know what to do or say. “This is so fucked up…” he muttered and went to the couch to sit down and stare in front of him, not sure if he could go back to where they were before the shit hit the fan.
“Say something… please” Tommy asked and slowly walked to Adam, sitting down on the other end of the couch. His whole stance showed that he was ready to jump up and bolt in any second.
“I’m not sure I can pretend that nothing happened. I don’t know anything anymore.”
“I’m not asking for that… Please, just don’t send me away… It’d kill me.”
“So change your mind
And say you're mine.
Don't leave tonight
Adam tried to focus on breathing as he wanted to say so many things. “You think it won’t do the same to me if you stayed?”
“What am I to you, Tommy Joe?” he suddenly looked at him, his expression hard again.
“You…” Tommy started but he shut his mouth. It was the million dollar question he’s been trying to find an answer to. “To be honest, I don’t know…” he shook his head staring at his own restless hands. He had to hold them down to stop the shaking. This was affecting him far more than he thought it would.
“Do you love me?” Adam asked on a neutral voice that just hurt Tommy more.
“Just as a friend, I suppose.”
“It’s complicated… I don’t have a word for you. You are… more than a friend.”
“But not enough to want me otherwise. I get it” he chuckled dryly “Before I meat you I swore to myself that I won’t fall for a straight guy ever again. I’m fucked.”
“No Tommy, I don’t need your excuses or your pity. You made your point clear.”
“So what do you want me to do now? Keep you close yet so far and treat you like a friend?”
“Adam just shut the fuck up and let me talk!” Tommy snapped all of a sudden. Seeing Adam’s jaw clench he clearly took him by surprise. When he saw the singer’s nod Tommy sighed bitterly “I have no fucking idea how we can get through this. Hell, I don’t fucking know what I am feeling or what I want! I only know that I have to be close to you. There’s something in you that pulls me in and as cheesy it might sound, I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. I’m like a fucking junkie who’s shaking for his fix when you are away from me. Can’t you see? And everything that’d happened… it just made things worse… more confusing. I don’t know what to think or feel. Usually I can deal with such things when I pull away, but these three miserable weeks only made me realize that I’m not as straight as I thought I was. That… I loved what we did, but I… I can’t risk what we have for something so uncertain. And no, it’s not you who makes it uncertain. It’s me. I’m just as confused.”
“So this is it then? Your final word?” he had to ask as he searched Tommy’s face and what he saw there just broke his heart more. His mind went blank with the sheer pain he felt from it.
“I… guess” he said so unsure, but Adam didn’t help to see any clearer either.
“Go then. I won’t be your guinea pig in the future… and I can’t promise that I’ll act the same way around you. At least for a while. You made your point, Tommy” he said feeling powerless and at the brink of falling apart but he wasn’t going to do that in front of the bottle blond. Hell no. “I’ll need some time.”
“S-sure…” Tommy swallowed hard watching Adam’s face overshadowed by his pain and it twisted the guitarist’s insides but he couldn’t say or do anything at the moment to make it better. He could practically see as Adam closed up, bottling up everything inside him and emitting coldness instead of the usual warmth.
“Go. Now” Adam gritted through his teeth, yanking Tommy back from his thoughts and now he felt the urge to bolt, to get as far as possible from this stranger who was nothing like the Adam he knew.
“Okay and… I'm sorry…” he added and quickly walked to the door. He hesitated for a second, hand on the doorknob. He wanted to say something else so he turned around opening his mouth, but what he saw made the words get stuck in his throat. Adam was crying silently as he was staring in front of himself, eyes empty. Fuck… He really broke Adam… Heart beating wildly he got out of there as fast as he could and ran down the corridor as if he could outrun the guilt and self-loath that was following him.
Watching Tommy walk away was the hardest thing Adam had to do in his life and for a brief second he was ready to beg, but the moment passed, the word died and the door closed, leaving him alone. Shattered.
“You say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.