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I Feel You
“I feel you
Your sun it shines
I feel you
Within my mind
You take me there
You take me where
The kingdom comes
You take me to
And lead me through Babylon…”
“Oh fuck this!” Tommy groaned frustrated and pressed his mouth roughly against Adam’s, taking the singer clearly by surprise as the bottle blond pushed his tongue past the soft lips. It’s been months since that awful conversation and Tommy was about to lose his mind. He simply needed physical contact with Adam. He had to touch him, kiss him, be near him. These past months were like torture – especially since they were on tour, which meant not having many escape routes. Somehow Adam still managed to avoid Tommy as much as he could and the blond couldn’t blame him. He broke Adam’s heart after all and seeing him so miserable when he let the smiling mask for the outside world slip was killing Tommy. What he feared became reality: Adam kept his distance and directed the now flickering remains of his being towards everyone and anyone else who cared. Not to mention that he only went close to Tommy on stage when he had to because of the show. But no more lingering touches, fooling around or admiring looks. On the rare occasions their eyes met Adam looked at him as if he was a stranger. Either he learned how to hide his emotions like a pro, or he was simply empty. Because of him.
Tommy wasn’t looking much better either. He could barely get a couple of hours of restless sleep at nights. Make up hid the black circles under his eyes just as effectively like for Adam. They barely talked during these months and everyone noticed that of course. No more touching, no more laughing and fooling around off-stage either. They didn’t push though, they settled with the ‘we had some problems’ explanation. Still this whole mess was fucking frustrating and there were times when Tommy wanted to scream at Adam or run far away. He tried to give the singer the time he asked for but nothing was the same anymore. He royally fucked up their friendship or whatever they had. Tommy tried everything he could think of to ease the pain – drinking for a while, closing up in his own world, fucking girls, running to music, watching horror movies, trying to talk to Adam but nothing could really help.
Once Adam started seeing some guy things got worse. He didn’t think that it was anything serious, but the occasional smiles and less pained expression on the singer’s face somehow hurt Tommy. Probably because it wasn’t him who put those smiles on Adam’s worn-out face. He tried to be happy for him and hoped that this meant he was trying to finally move on, but even that thought hurt Tommy deep down. For some reason he felt as if a dagger was twisted in his heart whenever he saw Adam with that guy, when he imagined them fucking, knowing that Adam’s undivided attention was the stranger’s and not his anymore. It was fucked up to say the least since it was Tommy who didn’t want Adam that way. Or so he thought back then. Now… now he wasn’t that sure anymore.
And as weeks turned into months and he saw Adam getting calmer and less depressed Tommy realized that he was jealous. Even if Adam wasn’t doing anything to him and never brought up the topic anymore unintentionally he was still messing with Tommy’s head. The blond spent night after night trying to figure out what he was feeling and what he wanted. The confusion didn’t seem to clear up one bit and it made him edgy and more withdrawn than usual. He tried to go out with the others, do the clubbing thing, let the fans distract him, but he realized that he had no patience for those things. He usually retreated into his room to watch his beloved movies or spent hours practicing on his guitars, or hung around on twitter but none of those things really helped. They were able to distract his fucked up mind only temporarily.
The first time since that discussion he jerked off while thinking of Adam and how he fucked him was the first real hint for Tommy. As the cum was cooling on his stomach and chest his eyes rounded as realization hit him: he was in love with Adam after all. That had to be it because there was no other explanation. That was a few weeks ago and since then he was watching himself and his emotions closely. He didn’t know how this was possible or when did these feelings develop. Maybe they were there all along he just didn’t dare to acknowledge them. At times he was his own worst enemy. It was funny though as he considered himself a good observer, but he couldn’t see something huge like this. And then he thought he was too late.
Each time he saw Adam he couldn’t completely hide the pain and longing in his eyes. And each time the singer was with his fling he was sulking like a five year old. He was slowly driving himself insane, but despite all his flaws he wasn’t someone who’d ruin a relationship or whatever Adam had with that dude. Even if he was fucked up he still had some principles at least.
He couldn’t stop himself from glowing though when the guy disappeared. He had no idea if for good or he just couldn’t tag along longer with the tour. Luckily their band liked to gossip at times and he overheard a conversation from which it became clear that Adam ended it with the guy. It was Tommy’s chance and he had to make his resolve. He had to face his emotions and be completely honest with himself if he really wanted this, if he’d be brave enough to risk it. Although there wasn’t really much left of what he feared of losing. And here he was now, kissing Adam as if there was no tomorrow.
“What the…?” Adam broke the kiss once he got over most of the shock and pushed Tommy back. That move hurt the blond but he could understand the defensive reaction. Nevertheless, the guitarist held on to Adam’s shoulders to stay close.
“I… I’m sorry… for everything. I’ve missed you” he mumbled blushing deep red.
Adam stared at him for a long minute still frowning and stepped out of the range of Tommy’s hands shaking his head. “This isn’t enough. Not this time” he mumbled hearing people rush outside his dressing room where they were standing. It was after a successful and heated show and he wasn’t sure if Tommy wasn’t just too riled up by all that.
“Please… just hear me out” Tommy grabbed Adam’s arm again to stop him from pulling further away.
After so long the singer really looked into his eyes for the first time. This wasn’t just a painful glimpse. It was a searching look and Tommy let him see that he meant it. Finally he nodded and made a gesture with his free hand as if saying ‘go on’.
Tommy took a deep breath and didn’t look away this time. He had to finally man up and knew that he had to give a pretty damn good reason for Adam to reconsider. “I was a fool. A blind fool. I wanted to deny my feelings for you for too fucking long. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready when you bared your soul to me and I crashed it with my insecurities and my inability to decide what I wanted. Since then…” he sighed bitterly as he stroked his bangs out from his face and ran his fingers through his hair that was messy from all the headbanging on stage. “… since then I can’t get you out of my head. Sappy? Maybe. But it’s the truth. I can feel you no matter how distant you are. You’re in my mind and I long to be close to you…” he whispered as it was still so damn hard to talk about his feelings. He wasn’t used to this, but this was the time when he had to fight for something so very important. “I hate myself for hurting you the way I did. I know I played with your feelings like a selfish bastard although I never meant to do so. I truly am sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. The last few months…” he swallowed hard and let Adam see the pain in his shining brown eyes “were like torture as it became clearer and clearer that even if I didn’t want our unique relationship to change it had changed. It became something else, something more and I cannot deny that anymore. Your songs… your looks… the way you talked to me, touched me, loved me… all moved something deep inside me and I realized a lot of things about myself…”
“I feel you
Each move you make
I feel you
Each breath you take
Where angels sing
And spread their wings
My love's on high
You take me home
To glory's throne
By and by…”
“Like what?” Adam wanted to know after a few moments as Tommy got lost in collecting his thoughts. The singer’s eyes were glued to him and he was very careful not to let his face give away anything that was running through his head in that moment.
“Like the fact that I am bi. But I already told you this that night when I let you down and broke your heart. The other thing I realized is that I cannot function properly without you anymore. I need you like air. And I was so very… jealous when you were seeing that guy. It surprised me too” he laughed shortly and nervously and shook his head finding it crazy and hilarious at the same time but then he looked back up into Adam’s now grayish-blue eyes that always seemed to change their color for some reason and which Tommy always liked about him “But most importantly I realized that I slowly but surely fell in love with you too…” he whispers at the end “And I want everything with you. I don’t care anymore. I want you, Adam. You were always my exception and you’ll always be. I want you. I need you” he repeated and realized that somewhere along the way his hands fisted around the sweaty black shirt Adam was still wearing since he had no time to change after the show before Tommy ambushed him. But the blond didn’t care, he just needed Adam to let the impenetrable mask slip and let him see how he felt about this. He knew if Adam said no… well, that’d be something he’d highly deserve for being such a dick. But if Adam still had feelings for him and could still see a future together with Tommy then he had to know.
The singer let the silence stretch between them. Not to torture Tommy but to try getting over the shock Tommy’s confession caused. He didn’t think he had heard Tommy talk this long and this deeply about his feelings before so that just added to that shock. Everything Tommy was talking about Adam could feel too. He already knew Tommy was something very special to him and hearing his own feelings and thoughts from the blond’s mouth made the deeply – but apparently poorly – buried feelings explode all over inside. There was hurt, pain, confusion, lust, longing, desperation, love and maybe a little bit of hate too, but as Adam realized this was the biggest turning point in their relationship and not that horrible night months ago, the positive feelings were slowly taking over. The pained and impatient expression made him reach out and cup the pretty face that seemed to get lost between his big hands.
He was helpless. He couldn’t stay angry at Tommy, not after these honest words, not after seeing everything he needed to see in those scared and hopeful brown eyes. His other side was urging him to say something, to accept what he was offered on a silver plate, to feel that connection stronger again… to feel at home after such a long time. And Adam couldn’t argue with him. He leaned in and pressed a feather-light kiss on the soft lips as he inhaled Tommy. Not just his scent, but his energies, his whole being and it resonated through the singer, melting the remains of the walls he put up to protect and hide himself. In that moment he was just as bare as Tommy and it hurt, but it also felt so good. He pulled back enough to be able to look into the blond man’s eyes and let his mask slip, let him see the little shocked smile. “This is the morning of our love…” he quoted and he knew Tommy would understand.
He was right as relief and happiness lit up the tortured and worried face he was holding and Tommy pressed himself against Adam as if he wanted to hide in his body. As if he wanted to melt into him and they were kissing and hugging hard, desperate and relieved.
The waiting was over. They were finally where they belonged.
“I feel you
Your precious soul
And I am whole
I feel you
Your rising sun
My kingdom comes…”