The 8th part of my “Beam of Light series”.
Recommended song: London After Midnight – Demon (The title and the quotations are from this song.)
Rating/category/pairing: NC-17, slash, supernatural elements, romance, angst elements, Adommy, Adam Lambert, Tommy Joe Ratliff
Full size of the picture HERE
The Line Grows Thin
“The line grows thin between what's wrong and right
Burning flesh pale as the stars
No one knows just who you are
Drive the knife in deeper to my soul
Velvet touch your mouth on mine
Drunk on lust like drunk on wine
The world will end we'll hear the thunder roll…”
Adam was lazily running his fingertips on the back of Tommy’s nape. He could feel the goose bumps it caused but he just loved to touch him, to show his affection, to show that he belonged to Adam. He could get quite possessive, especially when everyone wanted a piece of them, from Tommy. The blond gave less credit to himself than he should have. Tommy was beautiful, not just pretty and Adam noticed the nameless mass of people who looked at the blond musician longingly or at times dirtily. The singer had to control himself then. His other side was a jealous bastard who would’ve ripped out everyone’s throat – or at least their eyes – for looking so hungrily at his Tommy. And Adam felt the same but still he had to be the rational one about this. Now that they’ve been together for a few weeks he didn’t want to screw it up.
Those who mattered knew about them. They weren’t particularly hiding from the public either, but it wasn’t really their business. Those who knew were all relieved as the balance was back and Sutan for example, voiced his satisfaction over it with a “Fucking finally!” It made them laugh because it was true. Finally he could touch and kiss Tommy whenever and wherever he wanted or felt the urge to do so. And the blond was so very grateful for the signs of Adam’s affection after those painful months spent apart.
They were still working things out between them. They had some much needed long talks after the even longer fuckfests. They agreed to be honest with each other and not hide anymore what was going on inside of them. It took time of course to open up like that. Both carried wounds and baggage they weren’t proud of or weren’t so keen to share. But they were getting there. Most was already discussed and Adam was so happy that Tommy’s resolve of loving him freely never seemed to waver since that declaration of love in that shady dressing room.
Tommy was much more than what Adam could wish for. He was perfect in his eyes and he couldn’t bear to be away from him for more than a couple of days when he had to show up at places, do interviews or whatever his job demanded him. Sometimes he took Tommy with him, sometimes the guitarist surprised him with going after him. It seemed he felt the same about this and it only made Adam fall harder for him.
At times Adam was a little unsure but not about his feelings for each other. No, the reason was rooted in Tommy’s bisexuality. But when Adam once brought it up that he wasn’t sure he’d be enough for Tommy on the long run, the guitarist reassured him that he’d tell him if he needed the company of a woman. Adam thought that it was just fair like that, although despite the fact that Tommy didn’t seem to want anyone else for now, Adam wanted him to have everything to be happy. Even if it meant to let him fuck some pretty ladies at some point in the future. He could maybe even join, experiment a little. It’s not like he hadn’t tried out this and that with the other sex in the past. As their love deepened, Adam’s fear of losing Tommy over a woman slowly faded away, because deep down he and his shadow self knew he’d always come back to them.
“Don't even say it
Don't even look away
Haunted by, haunted by
Black winged angel come to me
release my soul from this misery…”
Yeah well, Adam tried to keep himself to the honesty part the best he could, but still there was his biggest secret to share. He’s been thinking about how to tell Tommy about the Other. Would he freak out? Would he break up with him? Would he think Adam was insane? The risk of losing Tommy again terrified Adam, so he had to make sure he found the right moment. It wasn’t easy. And the option of keeping this from Tommy was dismissed by him. He knew sooner or later he’d slip, he’d lose control and he wanted Tommy to know why he might do or say certain things to him in and outside the bed. He knew his lover didn’t really like surprises and this certainly would qualify as one.
So far this night seemed to be the best opportunity to confess his darkest secret. It was one of the nights off in between shows. Towards the end of the tour there were more such days as everyone was getting a little tired, a little homesick and maybe even a little fed up. Constantly being around people, being on the move and being exposed to the press, fans, the audience – even if usually its energy was amazing – could get exhausting and too much at times. Adam loved what he was doing but he was glad that they’d head home soon. He wanted to focus on this new relationship. He wanted to make it work just as much as Tommy.
Now they were watching one of Tommy’s horror/thriller/romance movies. Wolf with Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer of all the movies. What else of course? When Tommy picked it and persuaded Adam to watch it with him in exchange of a blow job and some other dirty things the singer can do to him afterwards, Adam wanted to laugh hysterically. And not because he found the promise funny, but because of the irony of the situation. Probably Tommy thought he was tense because he never liked watching horror movies in the first place. He tried it a few times and he squealed like a little girl to make everyone think he was just too soft-hearted for such scary stuff, but that wasn’t the real reason why he didn’t like horror films. The biggest part of not liking them was that a lot of the characters that appeared in those stories reminded him on his shadow self. Of what might happen if he ever completely loses control over it. Of course he wouldn’t seriously harm anyone. Probably… But he didn’t want to risk it and didn’t like to be reminded of how different he really was from others. But he had to share this at least with Tommy. The man who was his best friend, whom he loved more than anyone. And who meant home to both him and the Other. He couldn’t really figure out yet what this latter meant, but it was one of the things he just knew. He could feel it in his guts. Tommy deserved to know what he got himself into.
“So… you like monsters, huh?” he asked after the movie was over but they were still cuddling on Adam’s bed in the current hotel room, wearing sweatpants and T-shirts.
Tommy snorted still resting his head on Adam’s chest “Good job, Sherlock.”
“Okay, it was obvious from the start…” he paused taking a deep breath “I was just wondering how you would react if some of that stuff were real…”
“What kind of stuff? It’d be rad, by the way” he said nearly purring as he nuzzled closer to Adam, drawing lazy circles on the flat stomach through the fabric of the tee.
“Dunno… if it turned out that some people are more than average humans. Would you think they were insane and should be medicated or you’d believe them?”
“If they had proof, I’d believe them, I think. But where is this coming from all of a sudden?” he asked careful as he turned his head and rested his chin on the back of his hand which was drawing the circles until now. The intense brown gaze told Adam that Tommy knew him well enough to sense that there was more to this than just curiosity for the topic.
“Well… you remember we agreed on being honest with each other, right?” he asked and waited until Tommy nodded “The thing is that I have one more secret to share with you. It’s the biggest and I really haven’t told this to anyone before…” he trailed off just when Tommy was about to cut in.
“I knew it! You really are an alien from some sex god planet!” he exclaimed, clearly trying to ease Adam up a bit and the singer was very grateful for that while he giggled and gently pulled Tommy’s bangs.
“No, you silly! Or maybe… I don’t know…” he mused for a second, seeing that Tommy was watching him intently.
“Tell me. I promise I won’t leave a Tommy-shaped hole in the door” he smiled reassuringly at Adam clearly seeing that it was hard for the singer to share this. “I fought hard to have you. I’m sure nothing you are about to say would scare me off” he confessed and it seemed these were the words Adam was waiting for even if he felt a little doubt.
“You know that I’ve always felt different but being gay, singing, loving dressing up and glitter was just a part of the reason why I felt that way. There’s something else. I believe everyone has a darker side and there isn’t a clear line between black and white, wrong and right…. Well, I… experienced this duality in me a bit stronger than the rest. Remember my ‘Better than I know myself’ video and how much you loved the idea of the two Adams?”
“Sure. It was pretty awesome.”
“What if I told you that it was all true? That I really have a darker side? Another personality that’s very much like the dark Adam in that video?” he asked and bit his lip now that the big secret was out in the open. “I… I have proof too, if you want that” he added desperately trying not to sound like someone who’d need a straight-jacket.
He watched as Tommy was blinking at him with huge brown eyes, but instead of fear he was half-expecting there, excitement and curiosity lit them up as he quickly sat up and pulled his legs under him, resting his fists on his knees like a little boy who was about to get his Christmas present. This guy could still blow Adam’s mind with his unpredictable reactions. He surely could keep Adam on his toes.
“You want to meet him?” Adam swallowed hard as he sat up too, propping his back against the pillows without breaking the eye-contact.
“Hell yeah!” Tommy nodded eagerly.
“You are… something else” Adam shook his head in disbelief but a small smile was playing in the corner of his lips as he finally nodded. “Alright. Just don’t freak out. Neither of us will hurt you. He likes you a lot. You have no idea what a pain in the ass he was while we were apart” he said deciding to talk Tommy through this in hope that the changes won’t frighten him this way. Adam knew Tommy liked a good scare which made him feel more alive. That was part of the reason he was so much hooked on horror movies. While talking he already felt his other side push closer to the surface, making his clear blue eyes change darker and darker until it was a nearly black shade of grey. The Other was eager to meet Tommy face to face, his presence laced into Adam’s words too as his voice became a little hoarser and his body heated up as he gave off a stronger presence. “The Other’s been with me since I was a kid but made his presence clear when I reached my teens. Maybe you could take a few glimpses of him on stage or in bed when my control slipped…”
“I… yes, I’ve seen him before…” Tommy found his voice amazed by the changes going on in front of his very eyes. Clearly he didn’t think Adam was nuts and the singer relaxed a little. He wasn’t trying to hold on to his self-control so strong anymore. It somewhat calmed the Other too who was staring back at Tommy interested, grey eyes nearly glowing silvery, like a fox’s or a wolf’s, yet there was still something very human about him.
Adam stayed silent and nodded, feeling the Other pleased by Tommy’s reaction. They watched the pretty blond scoot closer and reach out with his hands.
“Can I?” Tommy asked hesitating for only a second and waited until the singer nodded again. He felt the slightly cooler hands cup his face as he leaned closer and examined the strange eyes “Beautiful” he sighed and it made Adam’s heart beat faster. “Are you like… possessed by him or he is rather a part of you? Like with a werewolf?” he asked clearly not having a better concept at the moment of what he was seeing and what he already knew about Adam and his shadow self. To his surprise Tommy wasn’t afraid at all and he was sure somehow that the Other’d have sensed it if he was. He had no idea how he knew these things but he just had a gut feeling about it.
“A part of me. I don’t know much about him just that he’s instinct-led, wild at times… possessive about you and fucking jealous when someone touches or looks at you inappropriately” he chuckled hoarsely followed by a quiet growl which made Tommy’s slender fingers twitch on Adam’s face, but it was still not fear. Rather surprise. “I let him out more on stage. He helped me in his own way during these years and now… now I trust him more and hating my difference less…”
“This explains a lot. He took over on the AMAs and a lot of times on stage too, huh? All that raw energy… that heat… my sun… It’s him…” Tommy looked amazed by the realization “And we’ll find out more about him” he promised.
“Most of it, yes… and thank you” Adam agreed and without thinking he put his tattooed arms around Tommy to pull him on his lap. Of course it was the Other’s doing now that he had more control, but Adam didn’t mind the closeness either. As Tommy was straddling his lap over the blanket now Adam let a hand trace the blond’s spine and the other slide on his nape to hold him close, their noses nearly touching. “You are not afraid.”
“No, I’m not. Should I?” he raised a brow cockily and rubbed his thumbs against Adam’s freckled cheeks.
“To be honest? I don’t know for sure. But I can feel that he wouldn’t hurt you. He is attracted to you, as I said. Interested even. You are the first who made us feel like this.”
“Like what?” Tommy whispered rubbing their noses together.
“Like we are at home when we are with you. Does this make any sense?”
“Yes, it makes perfect sense. Because I feel like that with you two too” he breathed on Adam’s lips, his body sliding closer to him on his own as the pull got irresistible.
“Really? You won’t leave us? You can love me like this too? You can love us both?” he wanted to know already feeling himself weaker from the power this amazing man had over him. He couldn’t believe he got this lucky.
“I won’t leave. I’m here to stay. I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of him. He’s a part of you. He makes you… well, you. The man I fell in love with head over creepers” he giggled as if he was already high from the warmth Adam radiated. It felt like a warm blanket that was wrapped tightly around his body and it was calming and exciting at the same time. He wanted to completely get lost in it. “I can love you both. I already do. Thank you for sharing this with me” he breathed and licked Adam’s bottom lip. He knew this presence. It felt so familiar and he wanted to know more, taste more, get closer than he already was. His body was moving on its own will, grinding and pressing against the beloved man and he shivered wildly as the warm hand slid under his T-shirt by his back and slowly traced every vertebra.
“You are… perfect” he heard the Other say in unison with Adam as Tommy got lost in that dark-grey look. He wanted to say something, but instead moaned into the fierce and rough kiss he got, his body arching against Adam like a bow. As if it was waiting for this since the second he set eyes on this fine man. His body was a traitor but his melting mind wasn’t better and Tommy let himself be conquered by this special man and this new knowledge about him.
He knew it was just the beginning of something even deeper.
“In the candle light you'll see
Just what all this means to me
The line grows thin between what's wrong and right…”