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Chapter 18
2009.08.12. 13:03
18.
When I went back to the room, Martin was nowhere to be seen – he was off somewhere. And Dave was getting dressed.
“Are you going somewhere?”
“Yeah. Practice – for my voice. Singing practice.”
I expected him to invite me – not letting me sit here alone – but he hadn’t. He was clearly offended. I didn’t care, cuz I thought I was right. Maybe he got used to it that when he wants something he can get it anytime. At least nearly everything stars usually get. But I didn’t want them to pull me by strings like some puppet. I waved goodbye when he called back that he’s off from the door and I went into the bathroom to have a nice shower. After I’ve got dressed, I’ve decided to look for Andy – now that I was alone like this – to ‘make things clear’. I was walking towards him with a smile on my face when I’ve spotted him sitting in a room, reading some papers.
“Hi Andy, do you have a few minutes?”
“Uhm. Yeah, I guess. Come in” he said. I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.
“I want to tell you something” He looked up from his papers rather startled “You don’t have to worry Andy. I really like you, but despite Dave’s kidding you’re not my next victim. They’re enough for me. Maybe they’ll even be too much for me” I sighed a big one.
I saw that he exhaled a bit relieved. I couldn’t stop myself and I grinned a little. He was so sweet! Then finally I took a seat opposite him by his table. He pushed a few papers aside then he piled them up.
“What’s the problem – if I may ask” he looked at me from behind his glasses.
“Well to tell the truth it’s not easy with the boys” I’ve started complaining. Then I laughed out loud right away, cuz what I’ve said it sounded exactly like a mother complaining about his sons on a parents’ meeting.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, still playing with the papers.
“Nothing – just the situation is absurd. I really don’t know what I’m doing here and how I’ve ended here. Me, whose face was just one in the crowd two days ago, after 48 hours I’m sitting here opposite you and I’m ‘complaining’ about the boys. It’s fantastic what life can do to you.”
“That’s true” he smiled at me over his glasses “You’ve managed to wrap them around your finger. Congratulations!” he broadened his smile.
“Is this a big deal?”
“Yep. We can say. But of course it’d occurred a few times before you that someone did the same with Dave or Mart, but you’re the first one who could mesmerize them both… This is new for me too. There’s something in you.”
“Huh, I’m just a simple girl.”
“I wouldn’t say that. You didn’t turn around yesterday either – you’ve helped me and everything…”
“Of course! My favourite band members had asked something from me. First you then uh…”
“I’ve heard from Martin that you three stay together – in a threesome or something like that.”
“Yeah, they’ve told me the same.”
“And you’re not sure that you want it.”
“I’m sure that I want them, but I’m not sure that I’ll be able to last too long.”
“I see. Well you won’t get bored by their sides – this one’s for sure. Oh yes, and I’ve wanted to tell you that Dave’d mentioned that you want to do something useful.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to be a burden to no one. I don’t like doing nothing. I like to feel myself useful” I shrugged a little.
“Well then I’ve got good news. According to the feedbacks the fans loved the gig from yesterday. A ‘little’ bit. And the press gave positive feedbacks too” he drummed on the papers with his fingers.
“I’m glad to hear this” I smiled “I’m absolutely positive about that it was the best day in my life – so far. They moved me so much!”
“Yeah, the crowd was amazing and I liked your voice too.”
“Thanks.”
He smiled “Well I’ve managed to arrange for you – I must add that it wasn’t hard – to sing for the boys on the following shows too.”
“What? I can’t believe it! Me?”
“Yes, yes. We’re just at the one third of the concert and we needed someone anyway.”
“Yeah the girls on the Exciter tour were cool. And Dave was hugging Jenna conspicuously, while she patted Dave’s prize-winner butt when they were coming down from the stage.”
“You have a good eye. Hm… yes, Dave. As it’s said – he fucks everything what moves.”
“I’ve suspected it. I’ve always smelled a rat here – the way they’d behaved when the other was around…” I shrugged smiling.
“See I was talking about this. If this disturbs you then you won’t last too long at his side or at their sides.”
“I’ll get used to it, don’t worry.”
“This isn’t the point. It’s just that personally I don’t like it when they’re doing this. Of course being away from their families for this long, well it’s understandable. But I want to tell you that there were other girls – not just a few – who were burnt quite badly by them. They couldn’t take it after a while.”
“Thank you Andy for trying to protect me – I appreciate that – but I think you doesn’t have to worry for a while.”
“I love them too, but listen to what I’m saying now: they’re able – although not willingly – to push you onto the edge of total desperation – especially Dave. He… he… he’s not simple.”
“I love them. The both of them.”
“Both of them?”
“It’s strange, isn’t it?”
“I was able to love only one at a time.”
“Do you know Andy how sweet you can be?”
Of course he started blushing from this question again. “Oh come on…” he crinkled the edge of a paper.
“But you can, you can. You know I’ve always imagined you like this.”
“Like what?”
“Well you know, you’re ‘the best synth-player on the world – playing with one finger’. Most of the fans make fun of this, but I know that you rather do things behind the scenes. And that’s an important role in a band’s life even if it’s not that spectacular. And I always liked you” I shrugged again, smiling “Oh yeah and the most important discovery for me was that when I was listening to your interviews, I’ve noticed that I love it when you’re speaking. I mean the other two evil kids don’t speak English as clearly as you.”
He laughed by this “You girl, you’re an interesting woman!”
“Thank you. I want to stay interesting. I hope I can stay that for a long while – mostly for those divine half-gods, who’ve crossed my heart. I don’t know what I’ll do if they won’t find me interesting anymore.”
“Amazing! This is the first time I see something like this. I mean, I’ve heard both of them speaking about you – they really are all over you. What’s your secret? How can you drive both of them crazy?”
And I knew that my secret was partly that I shared their secret. The secret was the happiness that they could share their gentle – and surprisingly fierce – love with someone. And of course I knew that I can’t share this with Andy. It was strange that I – who knew the guys for 2 days – knew about their secret and Andy – who’s been their friend for the last 25 years – doesn’t know.
“You know, charisma or something like that…” I laughed, sealing their secret deep into me.
“Possible…” he nodded then sent me an apologizing look and picked his cell up. I waved good bye to him and mouthed him a ‘thank you for everything’ then I walked out of the room, letting the busy businessman work.
---
I went back into the empty room and now that I had some time to think, I’ve really felt myself lost. I was full of doubts, but I knew – as they say – this was a one time opportunity. Yesterday came into my mind. The concert was an incredible experience. I’ve just started to grasp it. The memories came back with such a force… the crowd, the boys’ voices, the teary faces… that I’ve felt as my own tears ran down my face too. I was moved again. They really gave me an incredible present – for me and for the Hungarian fans. And I still couldn’t understand what I’d done to earn this. I had never been a saint. Sometimes I’d been a really bad girl – I’m not proud of that.
I flicked the ash into the ashtray and puffed smoke into the air as I was sitting by the table, pressing my forehead into my palm.
No, I didn’t deserve them, but I knew I’d go after them. Until that they’ll manage without me just as I’ll manage without them too. I should not open myself too much for them, I know this. I don’t want them to ‘monopolize’ me just to know me out and leave me behind. No. I loved them too much to bear this. I sighed and with my tears on my face I looked out of the window. This is how Martin’d found me.
“Kitty, why’re you crying? Dave?”
“Oh, no, just… I’m not sure. You know, I want this – going with you, singing for my sacred Depeche Mode – but I’m scared. So scared.”
“Can I help you somehow?”
“Embrace me Martin. Embrace me like…”
“Like? Like I did with Dave?”
I blushed from the thought that he could see my thoughts this well “Yes Martin – exactly like that. Please!”
“Alright kitty, don’t be ashamed of you” he hugged me firmly and pulled my head onto his chest. I’ve heard his steady heart beats and I grabbed the T-shirt on his back hard. I was just inhaling his scent. “Everything’ll be fine, we’ll take care of you.”
“Thank you. For both of you. Dear Martin, I love you so much! I love you both.”
“You’re sweet. I must say that although just 48 hours had passed, we love you too. Kitty, if you don’t come with us now, then this is goodbye for a short while. We’re leaving.” Without a word I’ve started sobbing loudly. “Hey, heey! Don’t do this, kitty!” he looked me in the eye, lifting my chin “This goodbye isn’t forever – you know it well.”
“Yeah… sure… it’s just… I’ll miss you two!” I hugged him even harder while my tears were still running down on my face.
“We’ll miss you too, believe me” he said in a soothing tone.
I couldn’t help myself, I’ve pressed my lips onto his and I was kissing him hard and for long minutes.
I hadn’t seen David after Martin had left me alone. They’d left.
---
I was really tired when I’ve got home. In the last two days the boys sucked out all of my energies. My first thing to do was to have a nice hot and fragrant bath, relaxing a bit. I simply still couldn’t believe that I was such a lucky girl that both of them wanted me! But this was the situation and I was awfully happy for my luck. It was strange that I was already missing them and it hurt a bit that I had no chance to say goodbye to Dave. Was he this much offended? Uh-oh, I’ve felt that there’ll be more complications in the future, but maybe I’ll be able to deal with them. I imagined as I sing for them on stage on nearly every night… It was absolutely fantastic even here in Budapest and it dawned on me that I’ll have the chance to live through this experience many times on the tour… And the boys!
I was washing my body deep in my thoughts. Although my body was full of bruises, I didn’t mind them. They reminded me on them. I’ll gladly have such injuries in the future if I get them from Dave and Mart… After I put myself together I lay onto the bed and fell asleep immediately. My last thought was that I’d arrange things the next day.
And I did so. Quitting my job was quite easy. My boss wasn’t fussing. I think he liked me. I’ve asked my best friend to check on my flat time after time and I’ve told her that I’ll send money for the bills. I barely could stop her questions about my sudden decision. But I’ve told her at least that it wasn’t the last time she could see me singing with the boys. Of course from this she just got more excited and she wanted to know every detail, but I shared just the ‘lighter’ version with her. She was freaking out anyway and she said I was insanely lucky. We parted with a long hug. I could always count on her, she’d never let me down before.
Nearly a week passed and at the time I was ready with everything and was ready for the trip too. I was really excited again. I’ve missed them terribly. Mart’s voice on the phone was happy when I’ve called him and he’d promised that he’d tell the news to Kessler right away so he can arrange me a ticket to Brussels and he told me that they’ll send someone to the airport too. I hung up with a big sigh and I looked around my flat, which I won’t see for a long while.
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I was so nervous on the plane! I couldn’t wait to finally land. I knew of course that they won’t come to the airport – cuz how could they do that on an international airport? – but it was still a bit sad that just a man in the Four Seasons’ hotel uniform was standing there with my name on a plate. After I’ve arrived into the hotel and checked in, Kessler called me on the phone to come down to the bar, cuz the boys were waiting for me. My heart was beating so fast like in my childhood at Christmas Eve when I’ve heard the bells and I ran into the room, hoping that I’ll see the angel flying away. These angels didn’t fly, but they were smiling broadly when I entered the bar and sat down to their table.
“Well, well, our lost sheep had returned… or rather our kitty?” Dave grinned with a dark gaze as he watched me sitting opposite them.
“Meow” I smiled and waved for a drink then I turned back to them and was just drinking in their sight. “Hey, hey, hey! No kisses at all?” Dave complained.
“Give her a break and let her calm down and melt a bit!” Mart put him in place then drank his remained beer and waved for another.
“Sure you get your kisses” I jumped up and leaning to Dave I gave him two shy pecks onto his face. When I leant to Mart, he just kissed me full on the lips. It was a long kiss. First I’ve felt just its heat – I was yearning for his kisses too – but then it dawned on me where and with whom I was and I tasted that Mart’s mouth smelled from more than a few beers. I tried to softly break free, but he slid his hand onto my nape and didn’t let me pull away too far.
“Martin, please, let me go” I whispered quietly, looking into his longing eyes. But something was wrong with this look. Was there really some despair in his eyes? What was going on? Or he just had more than enough drinks?
“Oh come on, kitty…” he stroked my face and kissed me again – this time all of a sudden. He wasn’t far from drunkenness. I felt it.
When I finally managed to break free, I stroked his face too. “Mart, now I go to the loo, okay? I’ll be right back.”
In the ladies’ room I was just staring into the mirror as I washed my face and I was thinking about what to say or do when I go back. I never really liked drunken guys, although I loved Martin. I have to accept him this way. Maybe I can try to influence him a bit towards the right path now that I’ll stay here for a while. I had a feeling that something had happened between the guys. That glimpse from Martin… I was leaning against the door frame as I was standing in the bar’s door and I was just watching them a little closer. Dave was explaining something edgily to Martin, but he didn’t look at him just a few times. It was clear that Blondie was in a bad mood and he was watching the bubbles in his beer deep in thought. I frowned and sighed before I’ve returned to them.
Dave glimpsed up at me while he went on with the conversation. It seemed that he wanted to persuade or to talk out Martin from something – dunno – I saw just his vivid gestures and heard his deep voice. I sat down and Dave ended the conversation as he turned to me.
“How was your last week without us, kitty?”
You’re so sweetly arrogant, honey, as always, I thought. He hadn’t asked how my last week was – he was sure that it sucked without him. Isn’t it sweet?
“Quite uneventful without you two.”
“I could bet” sighed Martin and taking my hand he pulled me up too while he stood up “Come up to my room, kitty” he faltered out “I want to say something to you.”
I couldn’t do anything else than following him as he was pulling me along the corridors. I glimpsed back at David, who bent his head resignedly and drank his coke. I felt Mart’s hand sweating as he was dragging me and I felt the tension in him.
“Martin is there something wrong? Martin…”
“Come, just come with me, we have to talk. I think something’s wrong. Come, help me.”
“But what are you talking about? You scare me Martin” I stopped next to him while he was searching for his keys, standing in front of his door. For the second time he succeeded to put the key into the hole, but he didn’t say a word, he just took my hand again and pulled me into the room. “I can’t stand this anymore. I don’t want to talk about it, I want you to love me. Now just me. Concentrate just on me and love me in a way that helps to forget everything which so fucking hurts now! Maybe after that I’ll be able to think clearer and if you help, maybe we’ll be able to solve it.”
“Just answer me one thing: David?”
He slowly nodded and closed the door. I nuzzled to him and was caressing his face.
“Sorry, I drank again. I drank a lot. Don’t be mad at me, just love me!”
“I love you Martin” I stroked a curly tuft out his blushed face “Even if you drink, even if you’re upset, even if you’re scared and even if you cry” I caressed him softly and took his face into my hands. I felt his hands sneak around my body. “I’m yours Martin” and I kissed him softly, showering his mouth with small kisses, trying to calm him down a little.
“Mine?” How could you be mine? Everything, everything is lying at his feet – me too.”
“Not everything. You know best that this isn’t true. You know how much he loves you, don’t you?”
“Kitty, he was gone. I hadn’t seen him for days! He came back just this morning and he won’t speak about where he had been, but he was on his cell the whole day and I don’t know whom he calls in nearly every minute. I just know that he didn’t speak to me and… oh…” he sat – or rather slid – next to the wall to the floor and was just staring the carpet in front of him.
In this very moment there was a knock on the door.
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