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Chapter 51
2009.09.26. 12:51
51.
He really was sleeping a lot in Spain. We were often just sitting with Martin chatting on the terrace, while he was sleeping inside. The drunken lovemakings with Blondie came into my mind in various places in the house. We brushed up a few ones while our panther was sleeping. I was a bit calmer that now there was no need to fly from one city to the other. Although the tension was still inside of me. I was more scared with every passing day as the day was approaching when I had to go into the rehab. But for the time being we were on vacation. And it was good. But it would have been wrong speculating how it’ll be, cuz I could know this just when I was on the rehab. I wouldn’t have thought that once I’d go to there, but that’s life. On one afternoon I asked David how it was for him being there, although I knew that I wasn’t in the exact same situation, cuz he had to climb up from a deeper pit. He told me. I saw on him that it’s still uncomfortable to him speaking about it, but I felt that it helped that he was talking about it. It was easier to prepare myself for the next few weeks. He didn’t hide anything, he told me everything. It was not just once when I had to swallow back the horror I felt and the more he told me the more I appreciated and loved him.
Sometimes we went for a trip together, when our groundhog could open his eyes and we could persuade him to come into the wild with us – although he was quite reluctant. He was so sweet with his grimace on his face as he pushed his sunglasses up on his nose time after time! I smiled a lot on him. I’ve managed to ease up – thanks to my two clowns. Martin was an angel – he constantly pampered me and he was joking around like a little boy – and of course Dave did the same if he was awake… IF! I wouldn’t have thought that he can sleep this much, but I could understand it after all these concerts.
Martin pulled me up by a rapid slope and he literally laughed on Dave seeing his next grimaces. As if nature was so distasteful.
“Laugh, just laugh. You’ll see that you’re skin’ll peel off of your white nose, Blondie” Dave said.
“Sweetheart, my skin turns into bronze. Usually you are the one who burn yourself out” Mart grimaced too “Hey, Mia by this height it’s okay to sunbathe naked. You won’t catch a cold. Do you want to try it? Just rocks are around us here. Come, let’s undress. AND CRABBY CAN COME TO!” he exclaimed over his shoulder to the last member of our triumvirate, who fell behind a bit.
“Martin, are you crazy?” I laughed “You’re totally insane today! What’s this good mood? It was a while ago when I could see you like this!” I hooked on him.
“I just feel good. I feel myself full of energy! So, will you take off your clothes, kitty, or should I undress you?”
Although I thought that I’d take Martin’s euphoria to the lack of oxygen, I had to confess that he was just loose and happy now. He loved life in the way it was now.
“You, Mart, you should undress me and I do the same to you!”
“I think no sunbathing’ll come out of that” Dave snickered as he reached the top, but on the last meters he automatically opened his trousers.
I looked down at his pants, but I just smiled and looked around. It was quite a good area. Rocks, high bushes giving shadows, a few trees and that’s all. No life. It was perfect for us.
“Hmmm… I’ve never done such a thing” I smiled and turned back to Martin, signalling that he could start undressing me.
Slowly, avoiding any haste he began it on a very sensitive way. He mesmerised me totally with his green shining eyes and bright smile. Dave and everything else had disappeared – even my thoughts. Maybe this is why it could happen that David got lost in those eyes as well. I was shaking from anticipation and Mart was just smiling. I saw that he wanted to please me badly. He was sweet and very exciting. Dave reappeared just when he stepped behind me – fully naked – and embraced me from the back. I smiled again and turned my head back so I could kiss him. He savoured my lips slowly and his long fingers were caressing my tummy. Meanwhile I’ve started rolling up Martin’s T-shirt, not giving a damn to his grinning face. I got rid off his other clothes soon. He was standing there on the top of the hill and the wind was ruffling not just with his frizzle. Dave panted into my neck – my bad boy knew that it can finish me off in minutes. I sighed when his fingers from my tummy moved further down, while my dear Marty attacked my lips and my hands started moving on his naked chest.
“You really want to do this here?” I whispered absently.
“Why not? Mart have you ever done it on a top of a hill?”
“Nooo, not yet, but I know that you did. During the shooting of ‘Enjoy the silence’ the make-up assistant wasn’t wiping just your nose!”
“Hey!” Dave growled “It was a long time ago. And I was sick.”
“Aha… and this gave permission to that girl to take care of you, right?” Mart giggled.
“Marty… not in front of Mia.”
“Why not? These dangerous things still exist? Should I pay more attention to the make-up assistants around you?” I scratched his forearm slightly, but warningly.
“No, not at all. I love just you two. I have no mood to carry on with somebody else – you two are more than enough for me.”
“I hope so, Dave” Martin nuzzled to him from behind.
“Hmm, Mia, it’s fucking cold here. Let’s get dressed and go back quickly to the ranch to make love. Can we?” Dave shivered.
“Don’t say that you feel yourself ‘small’, sweetie!” I turned around to face him and squinted down at his groin with a giggle.
Martin started laughing so hard that he had to let Dave go.
“No, I don’t feel small. You know that I’m the chilly type and I can catch a cold easily and then I’ll have to suffer with my vocal cords for weeks and I’ll be hoarse too.”
“I love it when you’re hoarse” I murmured to him.
“But I don’t like it and I don’t miss the steroids either. Well, are you coming?” he jogged us on.
“Alright, alright…” I sighed “So it’s happening again: I’m a part of a foreplay where I have to wait and wait and wait…” I murmured again while putting my clothes on just as the guys did.
“Why? When did you have such an experience?” Martin asked smiling.
“Well, for example, when we’d bitten Dave quite nastily and then I made him take me out for dinner and as a punishment he was eating veeeeery slowly and I nearly melted down from my chair…” I remembered reaching for Martin’s hand.
“Ha-ha, yeah, I remember. Yep, I was playing with you then, but after that in the car…”
“Well yes… ehm…” I smiled and even blushed.
“Hey, hey, kitty! You don’t have to feel ashamed from this! You just loved me and I did the same, didn’t I?”
“Uhm… you were a bit wild, but in the end yes…” I shrugged.
“You’re sweet when you’re blushing” he put his arm around my waist and gave a quick kiss onto my lips, while our little trio headed back into the house.
We walked down the hill and we were chatting about little nothings and from big plans, which could save the world. Finally we had time for each other aside from sex. It wasn’t the only way of communicating anymore. When we reached the house, we didn’t go to the bedroom, but we started cooking from the ingredients we’ve found in the larder. Our second last night was very nice in the house. We were having long-long conversations during dinner and later when we were lying on the comfy couches. The room was swimming in the lights of the candles and the fireplace. We were talking about the future, the past and about everything in general. All three of us were touched by the calm atmosphere and it felt good to rest after the long moths of excitements and problems.
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I didn’t say to them – especially not to Dave – that I was in dread of rehab. I knew that it’d be terrible, I felt it. Later when he was standing outside the terrace looking at the stars I went after him and stopped by his side. He knew what I was thinking and he took me into his arms.
“Are you afraid, sweetie?”
“Yes. I’m very afraid” I buried myself deeper into his embrace “Mainly because you won’t be there with me… but… but Marty said that he’ll come often if they let him in” I stroked his chest where I was resting my head as well.
“I’m so sorry that I wouldn’t be able to be with you every day especially in that situation, but see? You have two men in your life who loves you and takes care of you! Do you know how lucky you are?” he caressed me.
“Sure I know, David! I’m so grateful for you two. The tour was great, I’ve learned a lot, we’d found each other, but I must say thank God, it’s over.”
“Yes, I think the same.”
“A lot of things had happened… sometimes… sometimes I feel like drowning. But now… but now I’ll get clean again, David. No matter how afraid I am, no matter that I know it’ll hurt like hell… I’ll be clean for you two. For our future” I looked up at him with unsure eyes “I hope I’ll be able to bear it…”
“I’m sure you’ll be strong enough. I could bear it too.”
“But you’re strong David, and I love this in you. You’re very strong!”
“If you’d know how hard it is for me to keep up this façade! Baby, I’m not stronger than you. People just helped and help me too. For example you with your love. I can bathe in its light, like pigeons in the pool. Do you know how much this means to me?”
I shook ‘no’ with my head, cuz I couldn’t know how much I’ve meant to him. But of course I knew that a lot, but I couldn’t grasp it completely. “I guess you’re holding on me as much as I do hold to you. Or even more?”
“Even more, sweetie… even more!” he hugged me closer to him firmly, nearly choking me with his embrace, scent and the heat of his body, but I didn’t mind it. His attachment made me happy and I knew that no matter what, no one can ever take up His place. Even if our paths parted – cuz we had already more relationships, especially him. If I lived with another man one day, he would never be able to replace Dave.
“You’re my everything on earth and heaven” I whispered to him and kissed along his neck.
“You’re sweet Mia. I love you very much” he whispered. But this whispering – no matter that I’ve heard it a few times already – was deeper. I saw the things in his eyes I was thinking about earlier and a teary smile appeared on my face from this. I followed him with my eyes as he bent down to me and kissed me softly. His kiss was full of burning and worrying emotions.
We deepened our kiss and I gave myself to him completely. It was the first time I’ve managed to do so. I’d been always cautious – always. It was as if I’ve seen myself from the outside as I was doing this and that. I was a stranger not just in front of the world, but in front of myself as well. But Dave changed this. I loved him. I loved him because he taught me how to love and accept myself and this was something I wouldn’t have been able to learn all by myself. I was complete with him, I felt deep inside that I’m a woman next to him, cuz he respected the woman inside of me. And I loved him, cuz he let me love him. He gave himself to me and I felt that he really needed me. I was madly in love with him. And I had to laugh from this, cuz I just realised this, although I knew it all along, but my heart understood it just now.
“What’s so funny, sweetie?” he smiled at me questioningly.
“Just… Nothing” I shrugged.
“Hey! Tell me. You can tell me anything, you know…”
“Yep, I know. And this is it, David. I’ve just realised how madly I’m in love with you” I caressed his face with a smile.
“Why? Haven’t you known it earlier?” he tickled my side kindly.
“Sure I have! But not this clearly! I’ve never before loved anyone like th…” but I couldn’t finish, cuz he desperately pressed his lips against mine. It was unbelievable what was going on here on the terrace and meanwhile Mart was calmly watching the telly inside. He always loved Johnny Cash and he was watching a documentary of him.
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Our little trip was soon over and we had to go back. In two days time they’ve escorted me into the institution. They were very kind to me and the atmosphere was good too, but I thought I’d go crazy when they’ve said that in the first two weeks no one can visit me. I was sobbing hard when I said goodbye to my guys – they had to pull my hands off of Dave. He was crying too, Mart escorted him outside. I don’t know how many times he looked back over his shoulder, cuz I couldn’t see from my tears.
Then I’ve got my room and my treatment’s begun. First they sized up how deeply I was addicted to the meds and what was the cause. They mapped my previous illnesses, which caused my addiction and fear from death. Then they made a full check-up and told me what kind of things were lying ahead of me. The result was that my family relationships and the hunger for love caused the lack of my self-confidence. Big deal – I’ve already known this. Dave’d arranged that I’ve got the doctor, who he had back in the 90’s. She seemed hard, but correct. She had to be hard. First they’d changed my meds to less stronger ones and I’ve got a pill which caused distaste for alcohol. I had daily physical exercises with my group and lonely walks where I could think as well.
Then sometimes we had group meetings too, where they made us speak about our problems, so we could see that we weren’t alone and we had to encourage each other. I didn’t like these meetings. I didn’t like showing all my cards in front of strangers, but I did it somehow, cuz I didn’t want to disobey. I just wanted to go home into my guys’ arms! I was waiting for these two horrible weeks to end! I felt often terrible because of my needs and because of the lack of my boys’ presence. My doctor said that my system’d started cleaning up nicely, but a lot of toxins had piled up, so this procedure’ll last for a while. I nodded cuz I came here to heal for them and for myself.
My next question was when exactly I could have visitors. The doctor said that in four days time one of the guys can come in. She asked me which one I want. As an answer I started sobbing bitterly. She nodded in silence and told me that she’ll give a call to both of them. She looked at me sympathetically and I knew that she knew. Maybe Dave’d told her, maybe she just guessed it. I saw kindness and not disgust or indignation in her eyes and from this moment no matter what she asked, I did everything and her words were like the Ten Commandments from the Bible for me – except maybe the “Thou shall not fornicate” part. I was so happy when they let both of them come, cuz I loved them more than anything – although I loved Dave a bit differently, but it didn’t matter! I’ll see both of them! Finally! Again! Just four damned days had to pass in bitter waiting and without sleep.
And when these days’d passed I was waiting for them impatiently. I’ve lost some weight and dark circles were under my eyes, but I felt fresh after the shower. They came cautiously – first I saw just their outlines forming behind the door’s milk-glass then the door’d opened and suddenly they were there with two enormous bouquets of flowers and with tons of chocolates and with other things, but they threw everything onto the table and we fell on each others necks. Dr. Hightower thought she’d check on us later, cuz she wanted to talk to Dave, who was my next-of-kin and companion, but now she left the room and my guys kissed me all over. I felt my tears pouring.
“Oh God, jeez, boys! I’ve missed you two so much!!” I sobbed into Martin’s and Dave’s neck in turns as they were holding me tightly.
“We’ve missed you too, Mia-kitty!”
“Sweetheart!” the love of my life continued Martin’s sentence “Did they treat you well? Are you feeling better? You’re so pale and you’ve lost weight too…” he sputtered. The worry in his eyes moved me.
“Well it’s not easy, that’s for sure. The worst thing is that I can’t sleep. For a long while I had been sleeping just with you two. When can we… jeez… Are you two okay? Your family?”
“You’re our family” they said in unison and our eyes got teary again.
“I’m so sorry, boys, I’m so sorry. But… I’m doing my best… I really do my best to get… to get out of here quickly and be… be with you. Oh god, oh god… I miss your touches like hell! Your scent, the way you’re breathing!” I caressed their faces and necks.
“Then we must do something about this” Dave swallowed his tears and slid his hand onto my butt.
“Uh, boys, is it okay to do it? Isn’t, isn’t it forbidden? I don’t want to cause any problems for Dr. Hightower or to you!”
“It’s okay. Our good doctor wanted to speak with me anyway. I go and find her and tell her that we need an hour without anybody disturbing us. She knows that this calms you down, so I’m sure she won’t mean it. And she knows me anyways… You two talk about something meanwhile or just relax” Dave grinned and walked out of the room.
I laughed for the first time after days – no, after weeks – but I stopped when my eyes met Martin’s green ones. Such worry and love was radiating from them, which I’ve seen a long while from him. And now he felt these emotions because of me and not because of Dave. I had no doubts that this guy has missed me too. Looking down in his tight embrace I’ve got the proof too.
“I could never understand how you two can want a sick and weak woman” I smiled sweetly as I put one hand around his neck, while the other stroked along his face. The smell of his aftershave hit my nose and I felt my groin throb in response immediately. He was wearing my favourite, the one I liked the best on him.
“Should I sing ‘Damaged People’ to you?” he laughed “All three of us had a trip to hell. Come here” he pulled me onto his lap. I faced and straddled him and I had to moan.
“Oh god… this quickly?” I hinted onto the hardness I felt through his jeans.
“Are you kidding? We’ve missed you badly! Don’t tell him, but…”
“But?” I slid my hand onto his belt.
“But sometimes it happened… that when I was making love to him, I saw you” he confessed quietly.
“Jesus! Are you serious?!” I put my hand onto my mouth “This is something Martin, cuz I know how much you love him! More than anything on this world.”
“True, but this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love you like mad” he started unbuttoning my shirt.
“Then love me now, Martin. I want you two, I want you so much!”
He just smiled, but the burning desire clouded his eyes and he pressed his lips hard against mine, while I felt him unpacking himself and he moaned into my mouth when I took him into my hand and started massaging him. His greediness amazed me, although I didn’t hold back either. I welcomed him with a big moan when he pushed himself up into me, not giving a damn to the rest of my clothes. In the silence of the room his accelerating breaths were like music to my ears as I was sitting in his lap and let him press his face between my breasts. He was panting there raggedly as he sped up his thrusts. I bit down my lip to stop my loud moans. The lines began to blur – I didn’t know where I was anymore, but I knew who was with me and it was an insanely good feeling being loved again.
Dave was playing the fox again as he sneaked in quietly. Unlike us he even locked the door. It’d have been interesting, if someone found our trio in a situation like this! Dave’s face was shining as I looked up and our eyes met. He started slowly undressing. He took his time, like someone preparing for going to bed. He even scratched his naked tummy. I knew that if he yawned jokingly, I’d have fallen off of Mart’s lap from laughing.
But he didn’t do that just eyed our bodies moving with hot passion and unlike his nature he was waiting patiently. This surprised me, but I had no chance to muse on this for too long, cuz Martin bit my breast, which caused a deep moan from me towards the ceiling then I looked at Dave and was getting lost in Martin’s thrusts more and more. I grabbed his shoulders and hold the eye-contact with my dark love behind Curly’s back. Dave was feasting his eyes with my flushed face. For a moment I closed my eyes again when Mart’s hand found my clit and started rubbing it with a crazy pace. And my hungry body didn’t need much more to lift up slightly from his lap. I grabbed his shoulders even tighter and I was flying high in the blinding light of my orgasm under Dave’s vigilant gaze.
He slowly stepped closer and stopped right behind Mart. He hasn’t touched me, he just embraced Martin’s neck from the back and he was whispering into his ear. Martin was more than happy and he kissed into our singer’s neck.
After calming down a bit I was embracing my blonde guy tightly, burying my sweaty face into his neck and with one hand I pulled Dave to me too. I couldn’t talk just my tears were flowing silently then suddenly everything hit me hard and I sobbed into Martin’s shoulder. I slowly calmed down and they were just caressing me. Dave put my legs around his waist and carried me to the bed.
“This time you want it gently, don’t you, my kitty?”
“Yes, yes…” I whispered hoarsely with red eyes. I stroked his face as he laid me down on the bed and got rid off my remaining clothes. Then he was just caressing me and looked into my eyes. It didn’t matter that I’d been enjoying the last minutes with Martin, as I looked into Dave’s eyes, I knew that I was home, that he knew and understood everything and I was fighting with the lump in my throat again when he finally leant down and kissed me gently, letting me feel his boundless love.
I’ve melted in his arms. I felt completely safe with him – we were one in the fullest sense of the word. I was just looking into his eyes and thought that I’d not bear without him until the next visit. I’ll die. After this I didn’t know whether it was a good idea that he came in too, but if he didn’t then I had died from that. Well, it seems that there was no way I could be happy without him. My silver drops started pouring again just to run into my hair and pillow in the moment when I moaned voicelessly and closed my eyes from his gentle push.
“I’ve missed you” he moaned “Very much. I’ve missed you very much” he buried his face into my neck. I smiled at him and waited for him to continue. It didn’t matter what he said, I just wanted to hear his voice. But of course the best thing was when he told me that he loved me. For a few moments he couldn’t speak, he just panted into my neck from the feeling that I let him into my body again, that we could be one from the slow moves of his hips. Time seemed to stop as he was breathing raggedly and I was embracing him, sighing from the beautiful pleasure, from his scent and presence. I felt my haggard heart fluttering. It was flying like the bird who escapes its cage, flying in the room. Although it’s not completely free yet, but it’s closer to freedom with a step as it looks out the closed window into the sunlight. I was closer to my freedom as well, I just had to wait a few more weeks to open the window, which leads to our common future.
Sadly those three hours we could spend together had passed very quickly and I was sitting on my bed alone, again, with a book on my lap, but I was just daydreaming. At least my tears’d dried up. Dr. Hightower’d left a few minutes ago – I knew that she checked my condition and emotions. But she had nothing to worry about, I didn’t want to do anything stupid. Still feeling my boys’ scent on my body I was sitting there, swinging my legs as I was watching the sunlit garden through the half-opened window and I was daydreaming about our future again. I imagined that after getting out of this place – which, despite anything, still depressed me – what things we will do.
I knew from Dave that they were still litigating. Jennifer was a stubborn in some questions, so Dave’d not have too much time to visit, but Martin promised again that he’ll come and I can really help with the renewal, if they let him visit. But because I was a good girl and did everything to leave this place as soon as possible, I had good chances for that. The main point was that I didn’t want to be alone.
My doctor new that there was just one thing I feared the most: myself. The long hours with my psychiatrist seemed to help putting things into the right places. I’ve started getting rid off my strong complexes concerning my family and I felt less guilty as well. I wasn’t really missing the meds, but at nights I nearly died for some Gin-tonic. I became restless and started crawling in my room. My hands weren’t shaking and I stayed calm, but I was very tense cuz I wanted to drink. I called Dr. Hightower in and told her this. She nodded and gave me an injection and I fell asleep soon. This was the first night after a long time which I could sleep through.
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