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Chapter 45
2009.08.22. 22:09
45.
After a while I left father and daughter alone, letting them enjoy each others company a bit. I was sure that they had a lot to discuss. I rather took Mart’s hand and led him out of the bedroom. I sighed a big one as I stepped into Blondie’s room. My head was full of doubts and problems as I dropped myself onto the bed and massaged my nose’s bridge. My head was aching again, like when I was ill. I hated and feared the feeling. A picture of pills flashed in front of my eyes again, but like always, I fought the temptation.
“I’m scared, Martin” I whispered.
“I can understand that, Mia. Life could’ve spared him from this. My poor love” he said and sat next to me sadly.
I was thinking about all those things Mart has to stand for David. I was sure that Mart had no other woman in his life now just me and I knew that he loved me, but for David, well, his emotions were a bit different towards him – more fierce. And I knew that I can never completely understand these feelings. I saw the tears in Curly’s eyes when Dave – in his friendly and a bit stuck-up way – asked him whether he wanted us three to live together. I knew that Curly had no other desire – especially now that things got very, very serious between me and Dave emotionally. I knew that Martin knows that Dave loves him very much too, but he loves me better. And now here were the divorce, the kids and our new pilot family-model. The father, the father’s lover as a stepmother, the other lover of the father, who is father’s other lover’s lover, as a stepdad.
“It’s more than strange” I murmured under my nose.
“What?” Martin asked.
I pulled his head onto my lap and whispered into his ear “Our new family. We are the strange family.”
“Yeah. It’s strange on every account” he closed his eyes and let my fingers stroke his blonde tufts. They started massaging his temples and forehead. He was strained too like we all. And tired.
“Martin…”
“Yes?” he asked still with closed eyes.
“Dave said that we don’t have to fear, he won’t go back to Jen anymore.”
He looked at me “Is this sure?”
“Yeah. He said that she’s gone too far this time and he wouldn’t go back to her no matter what.”
“I can understand. She’s been blackmailing him with the kids until now, but the kids didn’t know about it and she hadn’t been this cruel so far. Now she’s gone too far. Children are the most important thing to Dave and he’s right, they didn’t ask to be born, it’s not their fault. Now she stepped over the line. Dave did everything Jen wanted, just for peace and calmness, and you know he loved her. Jen thought that she can do this to Dave – I nearly believed it too – but it seems she was wrong.”
“He’ll be just ours! We won’t have to share him, he’ll be just with us!”
“Yes, and with Rosie. And you’ll live with them…” he mused “You wouldn’t have thought that from that choc-action we’ll be here one day, right?” he finally smiled.
“No, not at all! I don’t know how I’ve managed to hook you two, but it seems I’ve managed it quite well” I smiled too.
“Yeah, quite well. We must confess that you’re not an ordinary girl. Dave goes crazy for you, you know?”
“I know. And after all this I dare to believe it. And Martin, this feeling is the same from my side.”
“Hmm, you love each other very much, you’re a beautiful couple. And somehow it’s me again, who doesn’t really fit in the picture.”
“Oh no, no. Without you things’d have taken another course and I love you. Why do you doubt it?”
“But if you had to choose between us, you’d choose him, right? No, don’t answer this! I’d do the same” he confessed quietly “But you see, I love you too.”
“Why can’t a heart love two people in the same way and in the same time?” I asked with a sigh then I lay down next to him and buried myself into his embrace.
“I don’t know. Maybe there aren’t a lot of guys like David. One in a million – he’s very special and rare and this is why he’s valuable. He should understand this.”
“But he sticks to that conception that his life is a mistake of the universe…” I noted with another sigh, while I was stroking Martin’s chest lazily.
“Yeah, sadly. But if you’d know how many times I’ve been telling the opposite to him during the years…”
“I can imagine. It doesn’t matter that I tell him this all the time. He’s a stubborn, a lost homeless dog, who craves for love and he’s like a hopeless little boy – and I love him more than anything.”
“He deserves it. Without love he dies – give it to him. Let your love give him strength and then… and then…”
“No, not just then… your love gives him strength too. I know the best how important you are for him. Do you remember the morning after our first night? When you two were kneeling on the floor and he nuzzled to you? Do you remember those eyes? Who was the one he was looking at with those eyes?”
“Yes, but he loves you better than…”
“It doesn’t matter whom he loves better or not. The main point is that he loves us both and we love him and the more we show this to him, the more he’ll be happy” I caressed his face “Martin, he loves me in a different way, because I’m a woman. As a female he fondles me more easily. There’s another situation with you, but if he has the opportunity then… And do you remember your fight in the bathroom?”
“Uhh, Jesus, how could I forget that? I managed to surrender David, although he’s tough, stringy and fucking strong.”
“Ha-ha, you’re so calm. It’s strange to imagine it…”
“Calm? Me? Mia! I’m not that.”
“But you aren’t as fierce as Dave.”
“True, but this has nothing to do with calmness, it’s about holding myself back.”
“So you’re holding yourself back?” I caressed his cheek as I was lying on my side and I looked up into his well-known eyes.
“Sure. Constantly. I try to control my emotions to the maximum.”
“And you’re not successful with it.”
“No, I’m not.”
“No wonder. The wonder’d be if you were able to deny your emotions. I know that it’s different for you, because the love of two men isn’t conventionally accepted – especially when they have children too. But you love each other. Punctum.”
“Yeah, there’s no doubt about that. This is why I try to avoid as much pain as possible, so I can survive this Vesuvius of ours” he smiled.
I laughed shortly then ran my thumb on his lower lip. “Well yes. BTW I’m curious what’ll happen now and how things’ll be. The situation is getting more complicated. And now Rosie is here too…”
“Does she disturb you?” he asked carefully.
“No, I have no problems with her. I’m glad that she’s on her father’s side and not on that… that… It’d be better not to say anything of her at all, cuz I jus work myself up!” I frowned angrily “If I ever get the chance and face her…”
“… then you wouldn’t be able to do much against her either.”
“Sure I could!” I protested “How was she able to do this?! You’ve heard what Dave told about Jimmy, haven’t you? How can she be this cruel? She thinks just on herself? She never gives a thought of her own son’s feelings?” I was getting angrier and from nervousness I’ve started trembling and my headache returned too with the familiar ominous press in my chest.
And then it hurt even more and I looked at Mart, who was lying on the bed, curled up, staring into space. But I was sure that inside his head his thoughts were swirling like a restless river, cuz it was in my head too. We were waiting for David. We were always waiting for him and we had to wait more and more.
After a few minutes a knock on the door dragged us back into reality. I was sitting on the bed and Martin was resting his head on my lap again. I think usually this soothes him if he does so. He was still staring at the ceiling, deep in his thoughts, while he invited the guest in. It was Andy.
“Hello there. Sorry for disturbing you, but I brought the new dates of the concerts” he waved a paper in his hand then he pushed up his glasses on his nose as he walked closer. He turned his head towards Martin.
“It was time. Now that Dave’s back, we have to move on” Mart sighed tiredly and slowly he sat up too to take the papers.
“Thanks Andy” I smiled at him faintly.
“No problem at all. Would you give a copy to Dave too? I don’t want to disturb him and Rosie.”
“Sure” I took an extra copy.
“Andy, please stay here a bit” Martin called him back “I want you to know – as our friend and the member of the band – that… now it’s very hard for Dave and Mia” he said and turned his eyes to the ground “If you’d be so kind and arrange that except the concerts no one’d disturb them with anything, that’d be awesome of you. If we had to shoot one of his days now, it’d look like Kramer vs. Kramer with Dustin Hoffman, but you now: this time for real – Gahan vs. Gahan.”
“I see” the red-haired man nodded then looked at me with serious eyes “I’ll try my best. I see that Dave looks like crap. I’ve heard what’d happened. I’ll talk to him later too.”
“Thank you, Andy” I gave him a weak smile.
“No problem” he said and left the room quietly.
And I felt that Martin closed himself up next to me as he was studying the paper. The next show was tomorrow night. My eyes were resting on Curly. I didn’t touch him. I knew him enough that I knew when he wanted physical contact and when he doesn’t.
“I need some fresh air” he stood up finally after a few minutes and reached for his jeans jacket.
“Okay. Take care” I looked up at him, sitting on the bed. The white paper was still in my shaking hands, which were resting on my lap. Martin bent down to me and after a long kiss onto my forehead he left me alone there with my aching soul and body.
---
Finally I was alone and I could do whatever I wanted to do. After a long musing at the window I’ve turned around, poured some whiskey into a glass, shook 3 painkillers into my palm and swallowed them. I took my jacket and purse and I stormed out of the hotel. I flagged a cab and I went to the tattoo shop where I asked for Mark immediately. He approached me with a smile.
“Can I help you, Mia?”
He found me in a funny mood. “Can you remove the tattoo from my back? I don’t love Dave anymore.”
You should have seen the muscles tic on his face as he tried to say something. I laughed, the pills worked quickly.
“I want a piercing, Mark, if it’s possible.”
“Phewww….”
“Did I scare you, or what?” I giggled.
“Well… it’d have been quite a work… But… are you OK, Mia?” Mark asked a bit frowning.
“Sure! Never better!” I sat down into a chair.
“Alright…” he looked at me doubtingly, but the businessman took mastery over him “Where do you want that piercing?”
“Into my tongue!” I showed him it, grinning.
“Alright, no problem. I prepare myself, sit down, OK? How’s Dave?”
“Well, not quite well – he has lots of problems nowadays. Problems got piled up, you know.”
“I see. Now say ‘Aaa’ to me, let me grab your tongue with a tongue-clamp! That’s it, great. Well baby, the whole thing’ll last for a sec and it won’t hurt that much – one, two, done…”
“Ah, thi’ wa’ it?”
“Yep. When you get used to it, you won’t speak this funny’ Mark laughed out loud, holding his stomach. I knew he took his little ‘revenge’.
“Dhat’s cool, I feel odd aik thi’”
“Do you want another one?”
“No, thanks. I’ve one, ‘ich is still healing” I winked at him happily.
“Look at you! Intimate piercing?”
“Yessss” I hissed, laughing at myself, but I felt that slowly I was getting used to the strange feeling in my tongue. And I was already dizzy a bit from the pills.
“And how’s that you didn’t let me do it?” he put his disinfected stuff away.
“It… it was a surprise out of the blue” I shrugged. Finally I was able to speak normally “Don’t you want to take a look at it?” I chuckled on a dirty tone. I surprised myself and didn’t understand why I was flirting here with Mark.
“I don’t think Dave’d be happy about it” he shook his head smiling.
I thanked Mark for his help and now I was very happy as I walked out of the shop. And another idea came into my mind: why couldn’t I have my hair cut? Women always do such things when there’s a big change in their lives. And now I had no solid point in my life, not one. Deep in my heart I felt that Dave was as sure in my life as standing-stars – I trusted him more than myself, but the situation now was very problematic, anything could happen.
So I went into a hairdresser’s shop happily. After I’ve explained my wish to the young girl, she’d started working on me. Colouring, washing, cutting, drying… At the end my long hair was distant past. My tufts were embracing my face in a youthful, rumpled way. They reached down to my chin – the tufts in the front were a bit longer, while I let the ones in the back shorter. And my hair’s colour was a bit darker than usual. I hoped Dave and Mart’ll like it.
---
I headed back to the hotel. I went to my room, took a shower and I was still dripping when the two guys came into the room. They stopped there and were just staring at me as I passed them wrapped into a single towel and put out my tongue.
“MIA!!!” Dave exclaimed shocked, but there was a questioning tone in his yell too “Are you really Mia?”
“Why? Who else’d have such a tattoo on her back?” I dropped the towel negligently next to the bed, showing them my back and reaching for my clothes.
“What did you do to yourself?” Curly found his voice too.
“New style. Do you like it, boys?”
“I think so” Martin moaned.
“Jesus Christ!” Dave said.
“Don’t tell me it’s that bad!” I pulled one brow up.
“No, it’s not like that, you just surprised us with it, kitty.”
“That was my aim!” I laughed still freely and quickly got dressed. The boys were still staring at me with open mouths.
“And… was that a piercing in your tongue?” Dave faltered out.
“Uh-uh” I pulled my sweater over my head too “Now I go.”
“Where?” Martin asked frowning.
“I take a walk. Need some fresh air and I prepare myself for the concert” and with two quick pecks on their mouths I stormed out.
As I shut the door behind me, I was still laughing on their faces. Nice Easter Eggs! I was walking in the park and suddenly I felt that I should run, run until distress. I wanted to move out, to sweat out every problem from me. So in my jeans, ballet shoes, and cardigan, my little pink purse under my armpit I’ve started jogging. What a crazy day it is! And what can come after this, I grinned.
And I was just running and running with a big grin on my face. I’m sure people thought I went nuts, cuz such a dash came upon me that I barely could deal with it! I was running for long-long minutes, until I was totally out of breath and I’ve started gasping for air with hissing lungs. I felt myself like Maugli during the big spring run. My pulse was thudding in my ears, the blood was running in my body like a wild current and my body was covered in sweat – it was dripping from my forehead onto the pavement rhythmically. I was panting like when I was with my guys after the third round. And finally I was happy. I ran back to the hotel and started the hot bathwater. I was crooning happily. Finally none of my bodyparts hurt. I was in a nice state of mind and I slowly took off my clothes again before stepping into the fragrant and warm water. The bubbles nearly covered me completely when there was a knock at the door.
---
“Mia, honey, can I come in?” I heard Dave’s voice.
“Sure, my love, I was waiting for you. Come here please, come my panther, was my back, please!”
“You’re so strange today, Mia.”
“What do you mean?” I smiled up at him from between the fragrant bubbles and reached one of my wet hands and he took it.
“Did something happen? You’re so… hyperactive. And your hair and your piercing… Why did you do it?”
“Come into the tube, Dave, relax with me! Can you? Where’s Rosie?”
“With her new nanny. She’ll be a private student for a while, until things calm down. She misses her friends, her brother and her mother. She cried a lot. And I did the same.”
“My love, come to me, nuzzle to me, maybe it’ll help a bit.”
Dave nodded and started undressing. After he got into the tube too, he searched for me between the foam and took me into his arms. “But you didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?” I washed his chest lazily.
“Why did you do this to yourself? The piercing and the new hair style. Why?”
“Cuz I thought some changes’d be nice. I had to do something – too much things are happening to me now and I can’t deal with the stress, it’s straining my body and soul.”
“My love, sweetie, you took something. Right? Please, tell me! I won’t make a row, but I have to know. I love you, I have to know!”
I turned my head away. I didn’t look at him just shrugged. “Yes, I took some pills, why would I deny it?”
“I see, sweetie. I’m sure you had your reason to do so” David said on a sad tone and closed his tired eyes. He didn’t want Mia to see his hopeless eyes, his pain, frustration and bitterness. He stood up, stepped out of the tube and walked out of the bathroom. He didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to accuse, he didn’t want anything. He didn’t want the pain either, which was eating him alive from the inside. He just wanted to stop existing.
“Hurray…” I noted watching him leave. I managed to hurt him again “Very clever, Mia…” I sighed as I was sitting in the big tube and I felt myself like a piece of shit again. Like usually. And of course selfish, because I was just causing more problems to Dave. My former contentment and my fake happiness was nowhere. Nowhere.
Of course I went after him and hugged him from behind, but my arms fell back next to my body when he quietly said: “Leave me alone now, Mia. I go now and please don’t follow me. Don’t be afraid, nothing’ll happen, but this was just too much for me now. I see you slipping away from my hands and we are stomping on our love with our muddy feet. I die from this, Mia. I die. Just You and Rosie are the ones keeping me alive, don’t do such things, please don’t, please don’t, please don’t” he shook me then hugged me firmly with a fierce kiss then he left.
I wasn’t crying, I was just staring in front of me, standing in the middle of the room. My heart was aching and I shuddered again and again, but meanwhile I was empty. Dave’s words were whirling inside of me as this strange mood came over me. In the way I was – wet and naked – I sat down to the table near the window and crossed my legs. I took a cigarette between my trembling fingers and lit it. I was staring at the sky full of clouds. There was no sound in the room, just the burning cinder’s and the dripping water’s sound from the bathroom.
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