19.

Martin really fell apart after he managed to pull Dave together a bit. He constantly cursed himself because of the things that happened – he felt that everything was his fault. He played the “what ifs” hundreds of times in his head. He was torturing himself with them, because he thought he deserved it. His pain was nowhere compared to Anita’s. A few times the emotions and the thoughts were too overwhelming, as they washed over him, pushing him in and out of his own little closed world and reality – and he couldn’t bear it anymore, he started drinking after a long while. He was at home, alone, sitting in his living room and drank everything he could reach, but things just got worse this way, because he could feel the pain and the lack of this child much sharper. Millions of such pictures flashed in front of his eyes like the ones Dave lined up earlier – from a better future. And this went on until he yelled and sobbed loudly. After this he didn’t reach for the bottle again, he just let this feeling eat him up alive from the inside.

Meanwhile Dave rested at home. He got better slowly, but he never slid back that far like when Mart found him. His hand got some stitches and he still has to take the antibiotics. He tried to slowly move on, he tried to busy himself with his divorce and pay attention on his lawyer, while he considered selling his apartment, because it was way too big for one person. His life became frighteningly empty.

---

Martin stayed in this state for weeks. And the worst thing was that he had no inspiration to busy himself with work. Of course he tried to pull himself together as best as he could so that they could return to the issues of the band, but because Dave was still recovering too, Mart had some time and they postponed the meetings as well. Of course everyone thought that the reason was Dave’s divorce that he wanted to concentrate on that and they knew that he was going through a difficult period now. Martin hid his pain in front of the others, only Dave knew what kind of things were going on in his mind – although they rarely met. Both of them wanted to process and deal with this thing alone and they called each other just in case one of them needed some support. Martin’s mind was on Anita a lot. He tried to guess when she could have gone to the clinic, how she could deal with the abortion and what she could do at the moment. Did she flee into learning? Maybe she has already moved from the small apartment to leave this painful chapter of her life behind.

The worst thing was that Mart still didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to respect Anita’s request not to go near her anymore, but he was worried about her – especially after the “suicide attempt”… And his visit by Dave in that cheap motel just stirred him up even more, although a few weeks have passed since then… Well, if he looked back, this painful thing has been going on in the last 3 months, but he still felt as if it was just yesterday. His emotions didn’t calm down as he would have expected. He still loved her in the same way, he still missed her. The nights were the worst when he was just tossing and turning from the guilt. He couldn’t sleep and this was visible on him. He lost some weight too, although he tried to pay attention on himself. But the constant worrying and thinking weren’t good for him. He started to turn into his own shadow, although he didn’t touch a single bottle since that one time.

After one sleepless night he couldn’t take it anymore… He took a shower with the decision that he tries to pull himself together as best as he can and no matter what, he’ll go and visit Anita to be sure that she was okay. Even if she yells at him everything that comes into her mind, he still wants to see her, with his own eyes to be sure she is alright.

---

Meanwhile Anita didn’t know anything about this. She didn’t even want to think on Depeche Mode either, although sometimes she couldn’t stop herself and while she was sitting in a net café, she googled them. To distract her thoughts she rather concentrated on the baby, which has already started growing in her tummy. It didn’t matter who was its father, she’ll love this child very much whatever may come. One day she woke up in an especially good mood. She took a nice big walk in the sunshine and her whole morning turned out great. She was tidying up her place when she heard the knock on the door. She curiously walked there and peeked out on the loophole to see who it was. Then she was taken aback with fear as she saw the blond man. She didn’t move. Maybe he’ll go away if she pretended that she wasn’t at home.

But he felt that she was there. And he saw the light coming from under the door and where else could she be around 8 pm? He waited patiently and knocked again. “Anita… Anita please, open the door” he asked quietly and gently.

She knew that turning off the lights now would be quite strange. “What do you want?” she said finally.

“I would like to see you. I couldn’t take it anymore… without you” he said silently leaning to the door. He nearly nuzzled to the wood as he grabbed the doorframe with one hand, while the other was holding a single rose.

“But I don’t want to see you! Go away!”

“Anita, please… I cannot take it anymore without you! I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last few months… I’m so sorry! I was stupid and confused and I made the worst decisions… Please, Anita… I still love you the same…” he propped his forehead on the door with a little thud.

“But you were able to ask me to kill the baby. And the possibility was there that you were its father!”

“Yes, I know! And I’ve been cursing myself since then! I was such an idiot! I shouldn’t have asked this from you! Neither I nor Dave had the right to ask this… We could have figured it out somehow! And now killing a human being lies on our head…” he whispered hoarsely with sunken shoulders “It was such…” he began but he couldn’t go on from the lump in his throat.

Anita suppressed her anger “What?”

“It was such…” he swallowed hard “a big mistake from us! From me! If I could turn back time, I’d not do it this way. I’d be on your side, helping you and… and we could raise the baby together. Oh god, Anita, I’m so sorry that I exposed you to this! I know that probably there’s no forgiveness for this… I go if you want me, but please, let me look into your eyes one more time. I’d like to see your face. See with my own eyes that you’re alright… Then I go if you really want me to.”

She sighed. His voice seemed honest and gave a hint of the great pain and suffering he was going through. But she didn’t want to make more mistakes… but then her hand slowly reached for the lock and soon she turned it. The door slowly opened. She wasn’t sure about this, because she kept the baby and she was afraid that his feelings will change with a scenic blaze of anger.

First Martin felt surprised, because he didn’t think that she’ll listen to his begging. Then he forgot to breathe when his eyes slid lower from the unsure face and he ran them over her whole body. It got stuck immediately on her tummy. Although its size wasn’t that big, but it was obvious that it wasn’t about some plus kilos. Suddenly he couldn’t talk either and he felt that his emotions got stirred up as fast as birds fly when something frightens them. For a moment he glimpsed at Anita’s face, still in disbelief. He saw on her that she was afraid of his reaction, but he didn’t care about that right now. He just fell onto his knees still in the door and without thinking he slid his hand onto the small tummy as he cried out happily. In the next moment his tears were flowing.

First Anita squeaked in her surprise from his strange reaction and looked down at him surprised.

“Oh my god! Oh my god!” Martin moaned with relief and pressed his lips to her tummy. Within a moment he tugged up the T-shirt and after a short laugh he gave his wet kisses on the naked skin.

“Mart…? Are you okay?” she asked him unsure.

“You have to ask?! Of course I am?! Oh my god, Anita, so you kept it?! I’m so, so, so happy! You cannot imagine! Anita, Anita…” he murmured at the end and pressed his face to her tummy to feel them both closer. His shocked panting slowly turned into sobbing that shook his whole body as he was still on his knees hugging her to him.

“Hey… come… come in…” she said softly, although she still couldn’t understand him. In one minute he’s angry about the baby and in the other he’s happy? But she put this aside now and pulled him up from the floor and invited him in. Martin was still shocked as he followed her.

Anita’s mouth nearly fell open as more light came down on him “You’re not… not the Martin I remembered” she said a bit confused as she slowly sized him up from head to toe. He was skinny, his cheeks were hollow and big dark circles were under his eyes.

He looked aside for a moment, because he felt uneasy from the way she just said that was on her mind – usually he loved this in her. But he knew well what she was talking about. “I didn’t lie to you when I told you that I couldn’t think of anything else than this…” he said quietly.

“How long haven’t you eaten?”

Mart just shrugged and his eyes turned sad as he sat down next to her on the bed.

“Come on” she said and walked to the kitchen to find some food for him.

“Are you two okay?” Martin followed her. He didn’t care about his own condition, he was more interested in the baby and Anita “You have everything? And why did you keep it? By the way I’m very happy about it! Very, very happy!” he began to jabber as his head got filled with millions of questions he wanted to ask - which wasn’t too common by him “When’ll you know if it’s a girl or a boy? Is it healthy?”

“Relax” she tried to calm him down while she put down a plate full of fresh pasta with some vegetables and sauce “I still don’t know its sex. And yes, it seems that it’s healthy. I kept it, because I felt that you didn’t have the right to make this decision, treating it as if it was just an object and not a person.”

“I’m truly very sorry Anita and I regretted it. There’s no word for how stupid I was! But I’m really happy that both of you are okay! Do you need anything?”

“We’re okay. But you don’t look so well” she noted again and now her voice showed that she was worried.

“I don’t care what’s with me. You’re more important now” he shrugged again.

“Don’t let yourself go this much. After all you have the chance that you’re its father. And what should I tell to the baby if something happens to you, hm?”

“I’ll be okay. But you should talk now! How’s the pregnancy going?”

“It’s okay, although the nausea at the beginning gave me some hard time and it didn’t help either that I had to get through it alone. But then I got the run of it and my stomach is okay too. And what do you want from me now?” she looked into the green eyes with his own grey ones.

“I’m open for everything in case I can be near to you two. I don’t care about anything else. I want to take responsibility if you let me do so. I don’t even care if the baby is Dave’s. I want to give you everything you two need.”

“Would you undertake it?”

“Yes” he said seriously.

She nodded and it seemed that a faint smile appeared on her face “And what’s with Dave?” she asked.

“Well… a lot have happened to him lately” he rather pulled the plate closer to him and avoided her eyes.

“What kind of things?” she asked as she sat down next to him.

“Well, as a start he totally fell apart” he said then he rather started eating, although he wasn’t hungry – but this way he didn’t have to talk.

“He got high again? Wonderful…” she grimaced with disgust.

“No…” he quickly swallowed the food “He didn’t use drugs. Just… well drank and let himself go. You cannot imagine how he looked like. I had to drag him back from his half-insane state” he stared at the table with dark eyes from the memories.

“Half-insane? I highly doubt that. After all he has a quite comfortable life with his wife and kids.”

“Not anymore” he sighed.

“What do you mean? Did he regret his sins?” she laughed coldly.

“He’s in the middle of his divorce. And even if you think that he takes things easily, you’re wrong. His divorce and losing you were hard for him. Mostly the latter one.”

“Sure. But he still ‘didn’t have the time’ to come to the hospital. So… now I ‘don’t have the time’ to deal with him either!” she stated a bit angrily.

“Anita… He totally regretted everything. You should have seen him how bad his condition was. He still looks bad, but he tries to pull himself together.”

“Sure. But he wasn’t the one who nearly died from the pain he caused to me! He’s a cruel man and I wish him to go through what I had to survive! He never called me! He never showed me anything from his big ‘remorse’! At least you wanted to know what’s with me, but he wasn’t interested!”

“Anita, you really don’t see why he acted like this. Yes, it’s true that it was a bad thing that he didn’t come to the hospital. Back then he was still angry. Later he regretted it, but then he was already afraid of you. Do you want to see how he looked like when I found him? Here, I took some pictures of him to shove it under his nose if he starts to slide down again. This can still stop him” he pulled out his cell and gave it to her then he leant back and pushed away the food he barely touched.

She took the phone reluctantly and looked at the pictures. Her face slowly started to show her shock “Oh my god, Dave…” she whispered “What did you do to yourself?!” Finally she couldn’t look at the pictures and put the phone down with tears in her eyes.

Martin knew what was going on in her mind, because the sight burned itself into his mind as well - like some ugly things from Dave’s junky past, when he let the singer down. “See? If I tell you that he’d totally fallen apart, then he really did” he said quietly and took his cell back.

“Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to call me? Where’s he now?” she looked up at him.

“He doesn’t dare to look into your eyes after what had happened. By the way he’s in New York. He’s searching for another flat and he’s busy with his divorce.”

She sighed “This shouldn’t have ended like this.”

“No, you’re right. But nothing’s lost yet, if you don’t close us out” a little smile crossed his face “We still can fix this mistake.”

“You really believe in this?” she looked at him again. It seemed that the old light and hope were broken in her eyes.

“Yes. I don’t know how things with Dave will go, but I’m ready to take responsibility for anything that may come. Since then you turned 21 too. Although this doesn’t influence me. I’m not here because of this. I’d say the same even if you were still minor” he folded his arms in front of his chest.

“Oh Mart!” she cried out and was already in his neck “You don’t know how much this means to me! I was so scared!”

“I know! I know…” he whispered into her hair as he held her tightly. He was a bit surprised from this sudden change of mood, but it felt really good to him. Now he dared to hope. “And I’m sorry that we left you alone in this difficult situation. I let you alone and I’ll never forgive this to myself…” he stroked her long hair.

“But you came back and that’s the most important thing now” she mumbled.

“Really? This… this means that we’re good?”

“It rather means that things are getting better.”

“Yeah, I meant it that way” he risked a little smile still holding her and looking into her eyes. For a moment he hesitated then he softly and shortly kissed the well-known lips. And she returned the kiss. She didn’t want anything else just enjoy the peace she found in Martin’s arms.

---

Dave was sitting in the living room of his new and much smaller apartment and scratched the scar on his hand with a pensive look. Slowly he gained some weight back, although he was still broken. The divorce was hard for him. Jen acted very aggressively, she wanted both kids to herself and didn’t want Dave to see them. He didn’t let this happen so a long fight has started at court. They still didn’t have any results and this was just another drop that added to his gloomy mood. Slowly he’ll lose everything. Just the band has left for him, but right now it couldn’t comfort him either.

He jumped a bit from the sound of the intercom then he stood up and pushed a button “Yes?”

“Hi Dave” he heard Martin’s voice. It has been a long time since he sounded this cheerful “I thought I’ll visit you. I have news.”

“Come up” he answered and pushed another button, which opened the door downstairs and Martin could step in.

The blond man was soon up on the top floor – of course Dave rented an apartment there. Martin knew that this wasn’t only because of his megalomania, but because this way he could feel himself a bit separated from the noisy city he lived in. He impatiently waited for the singer to let him in. Soon the door opened and Dave stood there then he let his mate in.

“I have good news” Mart said as he entered the flat. He’s been here already when Dave moved in. He found it nice, but Dave still had to buy some things into it. Mart went straight into the kitchen and put the paper bag on the counter then he started putting the fresh pastries onto a plate.

“And what are they?” Dave leant against the doorframe.

Martin grinned widely and at an easy pace he started organizing the pastries.

“Will you tell me?” Dave smiled while he stole one from the plate and started eating it. In exchange the sugar on it gave him a nice white moustache.

Mart giggled – which he did a long time ago – and grabbing Dave’s nape he pulled him close for a quick kiss to lick down the sugar from his lips “It’s about Anita” he let the singer go.

Dave chose the wrong time to inhale, because from Mart’s sentence the sugar went into his nose and he had to cough from it. “What’s with her?” he asked after he could finally breathe again.

“I think first you should swallow the food” he said and put down his cheese-cake as well.

“Is it this serious?” he asked and obeyed to Mart.

“Well yeah!” he said and barely could stop a smile “Dave… Anita’s kept the baby…”

“What did she do?!” he asked shocked, but it was 100% pure surprise.

“The baby’s alive and both of them are healthy!” he grinned from the bottom of his heart.

Dave smiled “And why did she keep it?”

“When I visited her yesterday she said that she wasn’t able to do it. Geez, Dave, you should see her! She already has a small round tummy and she’s just more beautiful when she’s pregnant!” Martin sighed.

“And what are your plans now? You want to take her home and be a daddy, as if it was totally normal?”

“I don’t know yet. I’d like the three of us to sit down and talk about the future. I don’t want to leave out anybody – especially not you, because the chances are the same, you can be the baby’s father as well.”

“I’m in. I hope that we’ll find some kind of a solution, because I’d like us to finally live in peace… although… I don’t know whether we can use the word ‘family’ in this case” Dave mused. Even if he couldn’t make any of his marriages work yet, he’s been always a family person.

“Everything’ll slowly work out. But Dave, I hope you know that you have to go to her alone too, before we sit down and talk about these things. You’ve hurt her very much.”

“Then it seems that she didn’t see why I did things this way.”

“Nope, Dave… but you could explain this to me as well, cuz you never gave me an answer. I rather listened to my intuitions when I talked about you to Anita.”

“You want to know the whys?”

“Yes. I’d be curious” he took a big bite from his cake.

“I don’t really know… maybe it was because the pain. It was quite unbearable.”

“I see” he sighed which set off a little cloud of sugar. He giggled again, but meanwhile he thought that Dave doesn’t have to tell him more, because he’s been there too. Dave joined him – he laughed and ate as well.

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