Relax, relax! I can do it! You know the music. You know the lyrics. You know the guys. You know how does a Mode concert looks like! Relax! But ooooh!!! 40,000 people!!! Okay, okay. Take it easy! Breathe! Breathe!! – I encouraged myself with thousands of similar thoughts when we were ready with the make up and everything else. We were standing there in the half-light of the stage. The familiar staff was telling jokes, speaking in concentration or running around. I felt myself like an outsider. It was clear for me that I didn’t belong there. I was never a part of this and I won’t ever either. I’m just a little glitter on Depeche Mode’s gigantic and shining show dress and I’ll get lost in the night soon.
I felt dizzy and my stomach was jumping up and down. No, no, no. I won’t puke! I felt myself terrible and in the same time I still couldn’t believe that I was there. It was creepy to know that tonight I’ll step onto this very stage too. I felt a hand on my shoulder, cuz I was burning a hole into the ground with my gaze in the last ten minutes. It was Martin, but Dave came too. He was jumping, warming up, clapping with his hands. It was as if he wanted to run the marathon instead of singing. But of course it is like a marathon for him.
“Look at me!” said Mart “Can you see the mic on that little podium behind Dave’s mic? Well, that’s yours. You’ll see the projector clearly from there. And every move of Dave’s. He’ll lead you - you’ll see as he waves with his eyes for the vocals. But you know where you must step in with your voice. Let Dave do whatever he wants to do with you, follow what he asks – no matter what it might be. If he asks you to jump into the crowd, then do that. It’s really important that here he’s the leader! Understood?”
“Yes, Martin, I understood” I followed him “We already practiced for this in the afternoon.”
Dave walked to us. Both of them hugged me as they were standing by my side and were encouraging me. It was as if I had stepped out of my body and had seen myself and them from the outside. I’ve heard Mart speaking but I couldn’t understand what he was saying – I was in a trance. But I saw the Darkest Star heading for the stage and from the steps he waved for me to follow him. And I did follow him. It was dark on the stage. My hair was standing on its end as the audience’s clapping and screaming hit me. As I took my place I looked into the darkness and I saw thousands of luminous screens of photo machines and phones. It was as if the stars had come down to earth for tonight. I looked around on the stage. I memorized Andy, Peter, Christian, Martin and Dave, who hurried on stage in that moment. The audience rumbled. My skin broke out in goose bumps again. I turned away from the mic to clear my throat so I could keep my voice from huskiness. I knew that it’ll shake in the beginning, but I was hoping that everything’s gonna turn out right. The lights flashed. Earsplitting clapping. The Intro. There was no turning back now…
My brain switched off. I couldn’t hear the crowd or anything else. It was quiet – totally quiet. This somehow calmed me. It’s funny what our brain can do in stress-situations. I could se only Dave. He bowed and before I could panic in this big silence that I went deaf, I heard the crowd’s screaming. And it hadn’t included my screams, I was here. I could hear the first tones of the music and could see as Dave grabbed his own mic-stand, I could hear him starting singing and the chorus was here soon. Dave waved to me…
I hadn’t had the time to screw it up. I just needed to read the first two words from the projector, from there I knew it by my heart. The song drifted me away. I was still nervous a bit, but at least my voice hadn’t failed me. It was shaking just a bit, but it was barely noticeable. Maybe I just imagined it. Everything was fine, everything seemed somehow so natural. Cuz I see them on stage every day, I know their every moves. At the end of the second song Dave started to speak into the microphone.
“Good evening Budapest!!!”
He screamed into the mic then the concert went on. Thank God, from the lights I barely could see the audience – this way it was easier to stand there, not looking directly into the eyes of 40,000 people. I recognized the songs from the first tunes, so there was no problem with the lyrics either. It went better than I’ve imagined. I can do this, I’m a natural on stage, I’ll be the biggest diva of show business, I joked to myself between two songs.
Meanwhile Dave’d introduced Martin and the other and waved me to him and announced for the fans who I was – a do-gooder who’d helped them in a difficult situation and whom they warmed to – sure enough! And because I’m their big fan, they’ve surprised me with this. He asked me to speak in Hungarian to the fans, which I did. I’ve told them how much the guys meant to me and how strange it was standing on the other side now. There was an enormous ovation. Dave embraced my shoulder and said that the big surprise is just coming now! A roadie ran to us with a paper and Mart’s guitar then they started to sing and Dave showed me to sing along. It was a Hungarian folk song, which Martin’d heard from Deep Forest and Martha Sebestyén… But at this time I was singing with tears running down my face…
I thought that my surprise was that I could sing with them on stage, but no! They were able to learn a Hungarian song in such a short time? For me??? I couldn’t get it. The make up on my face was ruined by my tears, but I didn’t care. I was just watching them and clung to Dave desperately. Martin was playing on his guitar by my other side. I was totally out of my mind. I sensed the enormous frenzy just at the edge of my mind. After a while I wasn’t able to sing, because my voice failed me completely so I was just smiling and crying. Unbelievable! They had no idea what a grandiose present they gave me on the best day of my life! The crowd went totally crazy and I’m sure that many faces were glistening from tears. It was a real honor for them and for every Hungarian people. After the song Martin grabbed the mic and said:
“This was for all that love you’d given to us during the past years!”
The audience raved. Martin’s words were returned with an even bigger ovation. Dave was just watching the waving mass for a long while, as they were all clapping and reaching towards the stage. The view shocked me.
After the concert slowly reached its end I watched the sea of hands waving by ‘Never let me down again’ with a little sadness and immense emotion. As my last coming out at the end I sang with Martin the lines “See the stars, they’re shining bright, Everything’s alright tonight”. And I really felt this way. Tonight everything seemed so right despite its every moving singularity and bizarreness. I thought that I’ve reached the highest point of my life. Every moment was burned into my mind and no one ever will be able to take this away from me. I suspected that if I can make it, I’ll tell this story even for my grandchildren. I sang the end with a broad smile, looking at Martin, then I’ve left the stage – “Goodnight Lovers” came, which was the closing song after “Insight” again to let the audience calm down a bit. I was watching the boys from the edge of the stage – I was mesmerized by the special connection between DM and its fans. Why wouldn’t I cry from this too? It was beautiful.
I didn’t wait until they’ve finished – I slid away to change back to my own clothes. This ‘hot’ piece of clothes was nice too, but uncomfortable for me. I sat down in Dave’s dressing room and was waiting for them to return. I was waiting, not knowing what now’ll come. Maybe I should go home so I won’t let the magic break? Maybe. But I can’t leave them here without a thank you. They gave us everything they had, the channels between them and the fans were open and love could stream freely.
Soon the boys appeared, but before I could say anything, Dave embraced my waist and said “You were very good! We must celebrate this!” he laughed.
I smiled and I was happy that this crazy day won’t end yet. I would have felt sorry if they said it was over, although I had no clue whether my troubled soul would have been able to take anything else during that night. I was totally hacked off, but I was happy at the same time. I hugged first Dave then Martin, my arms around them. “Thank you for everything” I whispered moved. I was still under the concert’s effect. Maybe one day I’ll write them a letter and will tell them what this day with them had meant to me. But maybe this letter will stay forever in my drawer…
“Come on, kitty, you and the fans deserved this. You were really great. I liked your voice and as you brought new things into the vocals” looked the blonde guy at me with a smile.
Meanwhile Dave sat down onto an armchair with a towel in his neck and wiped the sweat off of his body, taking deep breaths. It was clear that the concert sucked his energy out.
“Dave, do you want something to drink?” I asked.
“That’d be great. There’s Evian in the fridge, if you’d be so nice…”
“Of course” I answered and walked to the fridge “Mart, want a beer?”
“Two, please, I’m dehydrated. You should drink too, we need to refill the loss.”
I sat next to them and we drank like thirsty camels in the desert. After I had my own beer, I leant back contentedly and closed my eyes for a moment.
“What’s on your mind, little girl?” asked Dave, breaking the silence.
“You two, what else?”
“And in what kind of situation?” asked Martin this time in a kinky tone.
“Boys, after this night you do with me as you wish!” it slid out of my mouth. I saw that they looked at each other and grinned. Martin winked at me.
“How can we interpret this with Mart?” looked Dave at me and stroked my shoulder gently with his index finger.
I squinted at Mart and he returned my gaze. In that very moment I felt Dave’s eyes on me too. I understood the situation. No! This… I hardly could take it!
“No-hoo, I can’t believe this!” I yelled and stood up quickly, looking from Mart to Dave and back.
“What can’t you believe?” eyed me Dave.
“Well that… that you two… and with me…”
“Why? We did this today already, didn’t we?” said Dave.
“Well, yes, but until now just in solo-projects.”
“Exactly” said Mart too “And the emphasis is on that ‘until now’. Of course we won’t force you to do anything. Think it over. Until then go and have a shower and after that we go to the after party” he stood up and went to refresh himself.
“No, we won’t force you, really” stood up Dave too and handed me a towel “Take a shower, little girl!”
I obeyed and they’d left me alone. But my brain was still circulating around this topic! Why wouldn’t it when Dave Gahan and Martin L. Gore gave me the chance that they two would… This is unbelievable! This it the day of surprises and disbelief!
After I was ready, I got into borrowed black jeans and an indigo-blue slim shirt. Finally I was myself again, although I liked the dress I was wearing on stage. But there was no doubt that this dress was more comfy - and additionally my breasts stayed under the fabric for sure… I stepped out of the bathroom and walked to the waiting guys.
“We can go if you want to take me to some after party. But I’m okay with putting me out somewhere near my home” I smiled at them. I still couldn’t get it what they wanted from me.
“We take you out, you won’t have to do anything just sit there calmly” hugged me Mart from the back. Dave was standing in front of me with a big grin.
“Baby, after the solos here comes the real Depeche feeling. What would turn you on? Singing for you in Dolby Surround with Mart? Or something else? You’ve a rich fantasy – we were able to state this fact” he grinned at Mart too.
“Daughter of Fortune, we want to pamper you” whispered Martin into my ear.
“Sitting calmly when you are panting into my ear? You aren’t normal…” I noted shivering from their whispers while I danced out of their hands. No, no. You won’t have me that easily… at least yet. I’ll play with you a bit more, I thought as my crisp side took mastery over me.
“Is this new for you?’ asked Mart with a little disappointed face, because I’ve left them there.
“Telling the truth, it’s not. Well, are we going or what? I must always wait for you…” I stepped back to them and before I walked out of the room I gave a kiss first to the blonde one then after it for the singer.
And the two of them clogged between the door frames, cuz they wanted to follow me in the same time. They were so funny! We were all laughing, but when they’d managed to break free, they offered their arms from both sides. They wanted to play, they eyes were shining, cuz they were satisfied and happy, like little boys when their favourite team wins. I loved them. I wanted them.
And this feeling got stronger in the club too. They were ordering the best booze one after the other, but they drank just a little, like me. I drank just that much what could prepare me for the experiences ahead of me. As I was sitting between them and they were talking to Christian, Anton, Andy and Kessler, their hands weren’t lazy. I felt both of his hands wandering on me. I had to concentrate really hard not to show anything on my face.
Dave’s hand began to slide upwards on my thigh and I started to take deeper breaths. Martin slid his hand downwards on my waist and his fingers could just get under my jeans from the back. I was wondering whether I’ll survive this night or will I die from joy? To suppress my quiet sights and wet my lips I sipped a big one from my drink, but I nearly choked when Dave’s hand started stroking me through my trousers.
“Are you all right?” asked Christian with a barely noticeable German accent.
“Yes, of course, I just swallowed the wrong way” I answered hoarsely and I needed to bite down my lip not to give out another effect as the two hands continued stroking me without any shame. I felt my pulse getting faster and faster and I started to blush. But they didn’t stop! Definitely Dave wanted to kill me. On the surface he was chatting freely with Christian – drink in one hand, and ‘something’ else in the other… He hustled with his fingers until I felt their hot touches on my naked skin as they reached under my panties. I sighed deeply again.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” asked Andy, but I could see on his half-smile that he knew what was going on here. And then it suddenly hit me that probably everyone knew what the guys were doing, but everyone pretended that speaking about the advantages of Gibson guitars was the most important thing in the world. Because Martin defended this brand vehemently – he knew why. But his hand – oh his hand back there… I knew that if we don’t go to one of their rooms, I’ll wallow on the top of the table after one or two minutes. I started to squirm and tried to stand up, but Dave’s other hand pushed me back onto the chair.
“Of course… I’m fine, I’m just tired” I answered Andy’s question, continuing the pretending – it seemed that everyone here was a professional of it. If I wasn’t able to catch Andy’s smile earlier, then maybe I would have never noticed it. But now it started bugging me that all five men knew what Mart and Dave were doing to me under the table. Suppressing my desires I tried to pull myself together – and here we should confess that it wasn’t easy because of these two guys, who tried to reach exactly the opposite effect on me.
With my left hand I reached under the table and stopped Dave’s hand, while I looked at Mart. “Which one of you’ll offer me a room?” I whispered “Because I haven’t got enough money to take one.” I added with a half-smile.
“Go to the hall to make a phone call. I go after you in a minute” whispered Dave “And Mart’ll come after us to my room, okay?”
I nodded. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything else. I felt as they pulled their hands out of my trousers then Martin let me out. I said I needed to make a call and I said good bye to the others then I’ve left the bar, feeling the five men’s gaze on my back. There were quite a lot people there – chatting or dancing. But I needed to lean against one of the pillars in the hall and had to take deep breaths. I still felt their touches on me! And oh my god, what’ll come after this?!
I was standing there with the phone in my hand and I wasn’t able to really call anyone, cuz it seemed that I had an asthmatic rush from the anticipation. I pretended that I was texting to someone. After barely two minutes I’ve heard the sounds of keys by my ear as Dave was shaking them.
“Dave, I think you should grab a mic and after a ‘That’s right!’-yell you could announce to the guests in the middle of the hall what you’re planning to do for the rest of the night!”
“Alright, alright. They didn’t care and if those few VIP guests see us, it’s not our fault. I don’t like them – they are namby-pamby, flippant and shallow. We need you, who has life inside and don’t want to shine like a light bulb. That ‘Annie-someone’ is awful! Looking at her deformed face she should ask for medical help. I’m sure she’s in great pain” laughed David. (note: Imagine a blonde plastic-kitty here, who got laid by Mart in 2006.)
I laughed with him although my nervousness didn’t let me relax. “Yeah, I know who that is. I can’t imagine how Martin could let her jump on him last time. Seriously – are there such guys who really like these mock women? Or it doesn’t matter just want to lay someone down?” I lead myself on into this topic, cuz it always danced on my nerves.
“Yeah, when you’re enough drunk a quickie is a quickie. Just don’t get sober soon or don’t let her sleep there.”
“I guess you’re talking from experience…” I smiled at him putting my hands behind my back as I leant against the pillar “Not that it’d bother me or something like that…”
“It had occurred in the past, but not now. People are getting harder to please with age, although I can speak just in my own name, not in anyone else’s. But if you are just a little bit sober, you don’t do it. Rationality was never our strength. But come on, I tear you apart!”
After his serious line of thoughts his last sentence caused a laugh from me. “Can’t wait…” I was smiling still when we got into the elevator “And by the way how do you want it?” I asked, folding my hands in front of my chest.
“Let’s start with pulling your hands away from here, okay? Let me look at you. It’s nice looking at you.”
I was still smiling and let him put my hands anywhere he wanted “Did I tell you that you’re incredibly sweet when you speak to me on this tone?” I asked with shining eyes. He smiled but didn’t say a word.