Next morning after I took a shower and we got dressed, our first way led us to Mart’s room to see how he was after his hard night. The bodyguard’d opened the door after we knocked. Martin – after a shower – was lying on the bed in a bathrobe, his arms folded on his chest. He looked exactly like someone on his funeral. I was sure that Dave thought the same, cuz his face grimaced painfully.
“How’s he?” he asked turning to the bodyguard.
“Not well. He’s a hung over. A hell-like. During the night he’d mentioned you two a few times, but nothing extra. After I made him puke again and forced him to have a shower, he fell asleep quickly. Now he doesn’t want to eat or move” he shrugged pitifully.
“Thanks Darren, go and have a rest” Dave patted the big guy on the shoulder and I sent a grateful glimpse at him too.
“Thank you, Mr. Gahan.”
“Just Dave. And I’m sorry that…”
“No, don’t feel sorry… Dave. I’ve seen such and even worse things” he stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him.
I wanted to go to Mart quickly, but Dave put his hand on my upper arm. I understood. After he let me go he walked to him slowly and sat down onto the edge of the bed.
“What do you want here?” he grunted and turned towards the wall “Just go. You two get on well without me!”
“Mart, you’re mad at me?”
“Shush Mia, let me…”
“I go, okay?” the tears welled up in my eyes.
“No, you won’t. Sit down onto that couch and wait patiently” David asked quietly.
“Alright” I sniffled, but before I did so I stroked Mart’s back, who was still motionless.
Dave sat down onto the bed – tightly next to Martin – his thigh and knee by Martin’s hip. He trusted the power of physical contact, his charisma and Martin’s love. He didn’t say a word just hugged Martin with his arms and put his head onto his shoulder. He stayed like this at least for a minute. Martin sighed a big one, turned onto his back, took his friend’s face into his hands and was just staring into the emerald eyes.
“Fool…” Dave whispered gently with a small smile in the corner of his lips.
“If you’re here to insult me…” he dropped his hands.
“No, Mart, you know… It’s just…”
“No, I won’t change. I won’t go to any rehab. I don’t need anything.”
“I didn’t want to… but Martin you scare Mia” he whispered in a way I couldn’t hear what they were talking about so I rather continued crinkling the hem of my olive-green skirt.
“I’ll talk to her later, it’s just that the world is still spinning like you on stage” he smiled faintly at David, who laughed kindly and hugged him firmly. Martin looked up gratefully into his eyes when their gazes’d changed and started sparkling. I bit down on my lip as I turned my tear-stained face toward them then I left the room without a noise, ignoring Dave’s pervious request to stay. I stumbled down the corridor until I’ve reached the staircase and I sat down there on an outlying part and pulling up and hugging my legs I’ve started crying again. But not just because of Martin.
I was sitting there maybe for one hour thinking about the events, but couldn’t decide which behaviour’d be proper after this. Without returning to my room I went for a walk – thinking that the fresh air’ll clear my head. As I was walking on the old inner city’s streets I felt the steamy and stifling heat. The sky was heavy with storm clouds and the masterful sun shed its unasked and unpleasant heat as it appeared again and again. The thunderbolts ran through the sky faintly then I’ve heard the rumbling too – the storm was there.
It was raining hard, the rain drops were knocking on the red roofs and on the high buildings through the grotesque gargoyles’ mouths smaller cascades were falling below. At this time I was alone on the streets – every normal people eluded the furious storm – just me, the lonely cat was different. I was soaking wet in less than one minute, but I didn’t care, cuz the whirling emotions inside me were raging with the same intensity. Storms outside and inside… It was a stormy day!
I was walking on the streets quietly – sometimes finding a shelter in a doorway if hail came too, but after a while just the rain was washing the streets. Although cats don’t really like water, I loved walking in the rain. Somehow it calms me down and brings the feeling of purity, but this time not as much as I’d expected. Somehow I felt myself guilty, but I didn’t know why. Maybe I thought that this relationship was wrong, because I was in it with my two idols? I was wondering what I was doing in a totally unknown city. I checked and looked around. Just a few cars drove by in the alley where I was, passing unmarked next to my slightly shivering self as I was standing there with my arms folded in front of my chest. Then I looked up at the clouds and closed my eyes, letting the raindrops wash my face. A blue mood came on me. An old caption came into my mind: “I love standing in the rain, cuz then no one can see my tears”. How true.
Finally I’ve turned back to the hotel, relying on my senses to find the right way, cuz I couldn’t find a cab anywhere. I was walking soaking wet and shivering. My wet hair stuck to my face. Then I glimpsed the familiar building. They were certainly worried about me. Or just maybe.
When I went to my room to have a shower and to change my clothes, everything was quiet. I peeked out of my room, but the corridor was silent too, although the whole DM crew was on this floor. I was wondering where everyone had gone… First I knocked on Dave’s then on Mart’s door, but nothing. I went down the stairs and I was just about asking the receptionist where everybody was when a stranger – a man named Robert – came to me. Seeing my DM venue pass he asked me to go with him, cuz they boys were waiting for me, they just couldn’t reach me on my phone. What an amateur I was, I thought, a professional never forgets her job, no matter which kind of emotions are torturing her. I felt shameful.
Robert took me to the sound check and during our drive he’d told me that the boys were really nervous because I’d disappeared. I was sitting on the passenger’s seat quietly, watching the wet streets.
Inside the bustling was big – technicians were running around everywhere, yelling instructions to each other. Dave and Mart were standing on the stage and were rehearsing ‘Precious’. For a moment I stopped in the shadows and I was listening to the song a bit sadly, but the technicians had stopped it again. Why was I afraid to face them? And why can’t I keep my emotions in check?
The boys were waving for me wildly to hurry, cuz I should really take my place. My knees went week for a moment as I was climbing the stage’s stairs. When I got up and took my place behind Dave, he smiled at me reassuringly. Martin’ sent me just a faint smile and went on with the serious conversation with a technician. I was still in this stupid mood when it was my turn and I’ve started singing. Why did I feel guilt? I was doing my own business quietly – pretending that everything was fine. Sometimes my eyes met Martin’s but I always looked away. Finally the sound check was over and everything’d found its place. Everything – except my twisted emotions.
As we got back the boys went into the bar to chill out a bit cuz they had to go back to the arena in two hours time. It was important to them to eat something before the show. I apologized and went to my room to lie down onto my bed fully dressed. I knew that something was going to happen. I couldn’t leave them behind, because of the contract I made with the DM management, but staying hurt. I wanted to be alone and in the same time I desperately needed their consolation. I couldn’t eat from nervousness and from the uneasiness I’ve started to feel. I was shivering. It wasn’t that disturbing, but time after time I felt cold – probably because of the weather.
None of them came up to check on me. This evoked ambivalent feelings in me – on the one hand I was happy being alone, but on the other hand it made me sad that it didn’t matter to them what was with me. But I didn’t complain. I saw on them that Martin slowly found his way back out of his depression, or at least they had no hard feelings now. I’m sure they’d talked it over. But who’ll talk it over with me? I had no clue why I felt like a little lost girl.
A knock on the door’d waken me up after an hour. I walked hopefully to the door, but it was just that Robert guy who just came to tell me that he’ll take me to the arena so I can get ready for the show. I nodded sourly while I felt that I was missing the boys. It felt like I was a martyr.
I felt myself sick. My forehead and body was burning – I’m sure I had a fever – but I wanted to do the show. I’ve got dressed and holding a diet coke in my hand I was just staring in front of me. I suddenly came round and sensed someone behind me. It was Martin, who sneaked in like a cat.
“I’m sorry if I scared you. I knocked, but you were deep in thoughts…”
“No problem” I wiped away a few sweat drops from my nose then sipped from my coke and turned my blushed face to Martin “What’s up?”
“Well since last night we hadn’t had the chance to see each other – except for the morning when I wasn’t very nice. Dave’d told me that I’ve scared you… I’m sorry.”
“No. You haven’t.”
“You don’t have to deny it” he said.
“Alright, no problems here, it occurs” I shrugged and turned away to put my glass down and to grab the table’s edge without him noticing it. I hoped I was strong enough to do my job on stage.
“What’s the matter Mia?”
“Dunno. I went for a walk in the storm when you… when you two… So I ended up soaking wet and I was so confused and I probably caught a cold and I have fever too and I feel quite dizzy.”
Martin looked at me with such a guilty expression that I had to laugh no matter how bad I felt myself. “Your expression is very cute, do you know?” I said giggling.
“Come here Mia, let me see your forehead! This is hot, come with me under the shower… take off your clothes!”
“Martin we’d left just 15 minutes…”
“I know but without this you wouldn’t last. While you’re taking off your clothes, I call Dave, he’ll bring medicine for you. He always has a lot of such things. We’ll be on time, don’t worry. But after the concert I bring you back in my arms, you poor thing!”
I didn’t protest anymore - after a minute I was standing naked in front of him, but I was sure that tonight I’ll sing without make-up, cuz it was impossible to redo it before the show…. Martin’s touch dragged me back to reality. He led me into the bathroom and gently pushed me under the shower. He hadn’t hesitated for too long – the cold water arrived and I started shaking even more and my mouth slowly turned blue. When Dave appeared at the door and looked at me, he nearly threw away the pills and the bottle of mineral water.
“Jesus Christ, kitty! What did you do to yourself?”
“Nothing, it just turned out like this” I hissed from under the water.
“Alright, alright” he said.
After five minutes of torture Martin let me out of the shower cabin and with a soft towel he dried and rubbed every part of my body. I’d have enjoyed his care, but I felt too sick for that. I took the pills from Dave, drank a few gulps and put my dress on. At this time they were calling us. When we stepped onto the stage, I pulled myself together.
The world was spinning a bit – I had to hold the micstand – but thanks to the pills and the shower I was okay. I saw Mart’s and Dave’s anxious gazes on me time after time during the concert, but at least my voice didn’t fail me. Yet. After ‘Never let me down again’ I stumbled down off the stage – I knew that just ‘Insight’ and ‘Goodnight lovers’ had left, where they didn’t need my help so I rather went into the dressing room. I curled up on the sofa and pulled a blanket over me, cuz I was still shaking and I was cold. I felt myself awful again. It seemed that the reflectors’ light brought the fever back. The sweat on my forehead was cold as I was waiting for the boys and I swore to myself that I’d never fool around in the rain for this long again. My head was dizzy when I fell half-asleep so I couldn’t see Mart looking anxiously at Dave as they quietly entered the room.
“Dave, please call Jonathan to tell the hotel’s doctor that we’re taking her right away.” He picked me up and holding me in his arms he went down the corridor with quick paces.
“Martin let me help” his bodyguard asked, but Mart shook his curly head.
“I carry her.”
David was following us but I saw just blurry figures – I recognized Dave from his scent. Strange thoughts started whirling in my head. I felt myself light and I was flying high in the sky as an angel. Then I’ve started falling and I hit the ground. Then I found myself in a white room where a man was kissing me then another did the same – after this: white fog and pain. Sharp lights and terrible pain again. Later they’d told me that I was tossing and turning unconscious for two days. And that I had high fever – they barely could ease it. I had no memories about the last time when I was this ill. But from what? Was this just because of the rain, or my emotional state’d influenced my illness too? Dunno.
I opened my eyes carefully. There was semidarkness in the room. I didn’t know where I was – still in Brussels or already in another country? My cover was up to my chin, I was lying on my side and I felt that my mouth and throat were awfully dry. I nearly died for a little water or something to drink – I think after a moan I coughed dryly.
“Kitty! Finally you came round!” I’ve heard Mart’s voice, but it was as if it cut into my head. I grimaced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to” he went on a lot quieter and he helped me sitting up and gave me a paper cup with water. He helped me drinking it in slow gulps.
“Where am I? Where are we? And…” another hacking cough “what’d happened?”
“You’ve got acute pneumonia with wet lungs. Mia, we were so worried. Dave hadn’t slept for days, look, he just fell asleep on that chair.”
I turned around and saw Dave on a hospital chair in an awkward position. He was unshaven and was puffing softly. How could I think that I wasn’t important to them? It’s just that not everything was about me. I smiled at Martin gratefully.
“Thank you Marty” I said “Tell me are we still in Brussels? What’s with the concerts?”
“Yes, we’re still in Brussels. We didn’t want to move you around until you can stand travelling.”
“But the concerts! Don’t cancel them because of me!”
“No worries kitty, after the concert here we had 3 days off. And it’s the third day. We hit the road tomorrow morning. But you’ll come after us when you’re in a better condition.”
“No, no, no!” I protested which caused more coughing.
“Mia, this isn’t a game. Calm down” Martin asked and put his palm onto my forehead “You’re still quite warm, but at least you don’t need the infusion anymore.”
“Christ! I had one?” I asked hoarsely and signaled that I want more from the water.
‘Yes. It seems it wasn’t a bright idea for you to sing on the show in that heat, which came from the reflectors.”
After I drank a few gulps, I rested my head on the pillow. I was tired and my eyes were burning too. “Well it seems it wasn’t. But I don’t care, I go with you no matter what. You can’t leave me here!”
“But Mia this is for your own sake. We just want to take care of you, we want to help!”
“You do these things the best when I’m with you” I took his hand with a faint smile on my face.
For a few minutes he didn’t say a word just examined my face and eyes.
“You’d really scared us, Mia. Don’t do this to us anymore.”
Meanwhile Dave started to squirm too and he slowly opened his eyes. He sat up right away and in his troubadour way he knelt down and kissed my hand.
“Welcome back in the world of the living, Milady.”
“Was your kiss that woke me then?” I joined his game.
“No way!” my blonde hero pushed David out of the way “it was mine!”
I laughed, which turned into coughing again. After a few moments I looked at them. My eyes were teary because of the strain. I went on in a hoarse tone “If you want to kill me then you’re on the right way… Please give me more from that water…” I whispered.
“Here you are” Martin reached for the cup, but Dave took it from his hand.
“Let me! You did this already.”
“Hey! It doesn’t matter. You fell asleep!”
“I don’t care!”
“Hey! Hey! Boys… it doesn’t matter at all who… gives me something to drink… just give it to me already!” I grabbed my blanket, trying not to cough again.
Who said that the members of Depeche Mode can’t do compromises? Martin gave me the paper cup and David put a strew into it.
“Here you are, Kitty-Mia” he said laughing. And it didn’t matter that I was in a hospital, my heart was laughing with them.
Then they left me alone when they saw that I was tired. The doc didn’t have to use any sedatives to make me sleep. Both of them were still in the room when it had happened, so I couldn’t feel as my dear Martin stroked my arm. The doc said that for safety’s sake and for faster recovery he stuck in the infusion again for the night. Then Curly kissed my forehead, which wasn’t that warm anymore.
“It’s my fault. I screwed it up again. She nearly died because of me” he noted quietly as he straightened up, resting his gaze on my blushing face.
“Don’t worry about this anymore. You can’t change the past” Dave asked and hummed into his firend’s ear: “I need to be cleansed, It's time to make amends, For all of the fun, The damage is done…”
“Dave, you jerk!” Martin squeezed Dave’s hand “But I love you the way you are, do you now that?”
“I know. Mart!”
“And we love Mia too, right? Cuz… I khmm fell in… so she’d wrapped me around her finger.”
“Yes, I know what you’re talking about. It starts to feel the same for me too…”
They exchanged a knowing look then Mart let Dave’s hand go.
“Come on, Mart, we have to go, Kessler is waiting for us. He wants to talk to us” said Dave.
“Let’s go. We’re late again. Let our kitty rest a bit. But… will we leave her behind or will we take her with us tomorrow?”
“It’ll depend on her condition.”
“The doc said that they try to bring her in such a condition that she’ll be able to come with us, but he said they can’t guarantee anything.”
“Then we leave her here?”
“We’ll see, Dave, we’ll see.”
They walked out of the room to do their other businesses.