Martin found me after maybe half an hour, still in that very pose, shivering. I think the water bill’ll be high.
“Mia, honey, what happened?” he turned the tap, knelt down in front of me and put my wet hair behind my ears. I looked back at him with a pale face. I felt myself awful – especially when I saw the fear in his eyes – he was afraid that something bad had happened to me again. I think he was afraid that I can go back to hospital.
“Nothing” I said dimly.
“Hey kitty, just tell me – maybe I can help!” he asked quietly.
“Oh Martin” I started crying again “David, it’s Dave!”
His face turned deadly pale as he asked “What? What’s with Dave? Did he get hurt?”
“No-ho… I… hurt… him. I didn’t mean to… He’s gone, isn’t he? Is he in his room?”
“Come, I bring you into the bedroom. Are you okay?” he helped me up then he ran toward Dave’s room.
I was ashamed of myself as I was crying on the bed without tears. My chest and head hurt and I was a bit dizzy, but probably because of the crying. I just wanted to hide somewhere far away. How could I hurt him this much? And after that beautiful love-confession? This was all I wanted – to feel loved and I pushed him away. What kind of person am I? The minutes seemed like years as I was waiting for Martin to come back. I was sniffing and was still lying on the bed naked and shivering. I pulled just a blanket over me.
“He isn’t there, is he?” I whispered.
“He is there” he said with such a dark gaze which I haven’t seen from him yet.
“What’d happened?” I jumped up.
“Mia, he said that he opened himself for you – he was standing there with his bare soul and you…”
“… and I hurt him badly. Poor Dave says he loves me and I…”
“… and you practically…”
“Did he tell you?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t easy to pull it out of him. Have you seen David crying? Go and watch it for yourself!” he barked at me, turned around and left.
I thought I had no tears left, but as Martin looked at me, as he threw that last sentence at me I simply started sobbing. My heart sank although I’ve got what I deserved. I needed a few minutes before I could stand up and get dressed. I couldn’t let Dave suffer from my stupidity! He was speaking exactly of this in his confession. For him every push seems a kick. Did I kick him or worse?
I knocked at his door – no answer. I repeated the knocking. Nothing. Finally I thought that I try the handle to go into the room, but of course the door was locked. I started battering at the door and begging loud – he opened it for this. He was standing there half-naked, in jeans, with shiny eyes and slightly sniffling. Just like when he was a little boy and was beaten up. I didn’t care who could see us, I fall into his neck sobbing and I was begging for him to forgive me, cuz I can’t live without him. And I can’t live with the thought that he’s sad because of me. He pulled me into the room and pinned me to the wall, but in his grab there was more love than anger.
“I’ve told you Mia that my heart is not a toy – I’m glad that it still beats. I gave it to you, please don’t force me to take it back, cuz in that case it stops beating. Mia, Mia what do you do to me? Don’t ask me why – I don’t know why your question hurt me this much. Maybe cuz you’re right. I should be with Jennifer – should – but I want to be with you. No matter how unethical this may seem. Usually I don’t fall in love with anybody – but if I do then it’s not as quick as this was for me with you. Mia, please don’t hurt me, just love me! Sometimes it’s much better not speaking about certain things, pretending as if they were in a different way. And a reckless comment can crush loves forever. Don’t do this! I love you – that’s why your words hurt me this much… cuz the woman said it whom I love.”
“Jeez, David, I love you too! I never in my life loved anyone better than you! Please, forgive me! I don’t know what came into me, but I won’t bring these topics up ever again! I didn’t mean to hurt you, oh god I didn’t mean to! I love you, I love you, I love you!” I sobbed into his neck.
He embraced me tightly, inhaling the smell of my hair then he took my chin and lifted my tear-stained face so the two gazes could met, which were red from crying. And then I saw it. The first time in my life. He was crying without a word, while he was caressing my face.
“Can you forgive me?” I whispered on a lamentable voice.
He didn’t say a word jut nodded and turned away to go into the room – ashamed of his tears. Probably he found them a sign of weakness, but I thought they showed that he has deep emotions and he can express his feelings. The appreciation I felt for him was growing in my heart. I promised myself that next time before another comment like this I’ll rather bite off my tongue. I was just standing there watching him as he was standing in front of the window. Slowly I went to him and I nuzzled to him from the back, putting my arms around him. I didn’t say a word, I was just enjoying his closeness, the warmth of his body, his smell, his energies, which were radiating from him all the time. I’ve told the truth – I really loved him more than my own life.
He gently stroked my hands, which were hugging him. And I felt my knees go weak from this feeling. How could I be this stupid? A moment of aberration? Or I’m just simply headless? Or selfish? Or simply unsure and this is why I can’t handle the situation right? There were so many questions reeling in my head that it started to hurt badly. And I was ashamed of myself too. I put my forehead between his shoulder-blades so my tears could flow unnoticeably and I pulled my hands back. Now I couldn’t feel his warm touch on my arms anymore. I caressed his shoulders once more then I headed for the door.
“Don’t go kitty! Stay!”
“Do you want this?”
“Alright. I stay” I nuzzled to him again.
“Wait a minute, okay? I try to pull myself together and we must go to Marty immediately. He’s… so protective… he worries so much because of me, I know… I’m sure that now he’s troubled too, cuz… cuz… he saw me crying… and this hurt him. Wait here, I’ll be ready within two minutes.”
I was waiting patiently, although my headache didn’t ease… on the contrary. But I didn’t say a word just pressed my teeth together. He just put on a T-shirt after washing his face and he was ready.
“Come” he took my hand with a faint little smile.
I returned the gesture and my heart nearly melted from the feeling as our fingers interlocked. I had to look down at our hands so I could be sure that his touch was really real.
“Dave… won’t be there a problem if someone sees us hand in hand?” I whispered hoarsely.
“I don’t care Mia. I love you.”
I smiled sadly. Yes, now comes the biting-off-the-tongue part. I swallowed my question “and what if Jenny hears about this?”. I was walking on his side until we reached Martin’s room. He knocked on the door. We heard just an edgy ‘Come in’ and we stepped in quietly. Martin was showing his back towards the door as he was sitting on his bed and he was staring at the guitar he got from me as if everything was its fault. But I knew that he wasn’t blaming the guitar – he was blaming the one who gave it to him. Me. My heart sank. He exhaled the smoke angrily.
“Mart, dear, don’t be mad at her.”
“I’m trying not to” he growled then turned toward me “You were able to hurt him? Him, who loves you more than I do?”
“Martin, this isn’t true!” Dave exclaimed.
“I know it is. It’s alright David. We lived through many things during these years – I can bear this one too. In a relationship one loves the other better and this is why he or she will be more defenseless. Well, in our relationship I’m the one in this situation.”
“Wait Dave, let me finish it! I love Mia too. But we two, we… Dave… please!”
Dave sat down next to him and put his arm around him “Martin, listen… don’t you want to go to the cinema? We could watch ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ for example…”
“You whoreson, you!” Mart smiled and turned to me “Come here you too! After all the question you’ve asked from Dave was understandable, it just turned out in the wrong way – the phrasing, the tone or something.”
“That’s right, let’s kiss and be friends again!” Dave suggested.
I sat onto Martin’s other side awkwardly – nearly shyly. I could understand his anger, because I’ve hurt Dave. But it didn’t matter that he softened and calmed down, I still feared this Martin L. Gore a bit.
“Hey, I won’t bite” he looked at me “Don’t wilt down.”
“Martin… I’m sorry” I said quietly and I was deadly serious “Please, don’t be mad at me!” I wiped away a tear drop. Will they ever run out? I felt as he put his right arm around my shoulders.
“Alright. But don’t you dare to hurt David! I don’t want to do something I’ll regret later.”
“Martin, are you mad? You act like a jealous husband…”
“I feel myself like one, Dave. I go insane with jealousy when you’re with someone else. And it doesn’t matter if it’s Mia, Jen or anyone! Shit, everyone wants you.”
“You want me too” Dave kissed into his neck. Martin shivered from Dave’s touch and his hand started quivering and wild fire rose in his eyes. Dave was watching as it got clearer how much Martin wanted him. “Mia-kitty, honey” he turned to me “Kitty, is it okay if we leave you alone a bit? Martin wants to play chess” he laughed. Now Martin smiled too.
“I see” I joined them “Well, Mr. Karparov, Mr. Kasparov it was my pleasure” I answered and headed for my room.
I was sitting by the table, which was near to the balcony’s door. I was deep in my thoughts, fighting with my crabby headache and thinking about the things which had happened. I took two pills to ease the pain. Then I started checking and putting Andy’s music sheets together.
It was slowly late afternoon when a crew member came and told me that we must go to the arena within an hour. I nodded and started preparing myself. On the corridor I bumped into Christian and Peter, who were heading to the cars with his packs too.
“Hi Mia” Christian greeted me kindly and with a smile “Do you want to join us?”
“Well…” I glimpsed toward Mart’s room and I hesitated for a moment then I’ve decided to leave them alone. Martin deserved Dave’s undivided attention for a little longer. “Sure. Why not?” I smiled back.
“Great” he nodded and we walked down the corridor.
In the car I was watching the streets when I heard Peter’s voice.
“Mia, I wanted to tell you that I like the style as you slide the tones in your vocals” he noted.
I turned towards him “Thank you Peter. And I like your improvisations – for example when you’re supporting Mart’s solo songs.”
He smiled, but then his cell started ringing and he excused himself and turned away to start speaking.
“We hadn’t had the chance yet to really speak” Christian addressed me, drumming on his knees with his hands.
“No, we hadn’t.”
“Mia, I’m glad that you got well – we were very worried for you.”
“Oh, thanks, you’re nice.”
“Uh-uh. And the boys were crazy with worry – Dave was so tense he nearly cracked. He doesn’t like anything which can endanger the show.”
“Yes, he’s kinda perfectionist.”
“Yep. When we wrote lyrics with him, sometimes he didn’t leave us alone until we put it together or rewrote it” he remembered smiling and I had to join him. “Oh and we sent you flowers into the hospital, I hope you got them.”
“Yep. Thanks. I was happy that you thought about me.” I sank into my thoughts a bit staring at my shaking hands, which I balled into fists. “You know… I still often feel myself like a stranger. An outsider. And I don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“You have a big mission: you’re singing for the legendary Depeche Mode. You’re working with music’s immortals.”
“Well yes, they’re my heroes – no doubt about it.”
“Otherwise for a while I felt the same – when I’ve joined the band as a supporting drummer. I felt myself incredibly lucky. I always appreciated their work. Then after a while – when we got used to each other – this cramped feeling had disappeared. I realised that they’re humans too like anyone else. They’re good bosses and friends” he shrugged.
“Oh yes. They’re humans like we, with the same feelings” I agreed. I knew it very well. “And do you miss speaking in German? I know that you go with them on tours for years now and stuff like that and probably you got used to English, but I still miss Hungarian.”
“No, I don’t miss it. We can find German people everywhere” he smiled “After the concert we could go with the boys into a German pub – we could eat sauerkraut with sausage and we could drink beer, hmm… Would you like to go?”
I laughed “Why not?” then I started thinking “A German pub in Las Vegas? You think we can find one?” I looked at him doubtingly.
“There’s everything in Las Vegas, kitty! You just have to look for it on the right place” the drummer winked.
“They call you like that, didn’t they? I mean Dave and Mart. I’ve heard it not just once.”
“You’ve heard it?” I asked back. He didn’t answer just eyed me with a smile. Oh my god, what else could he have heard?
I turned my head away confused. Fortunately the silence wasn’t uncomfortably long, cuz we arrived to the stadium. I got out of the car maybe a bit relieved, my shoulder-bag on my side. The running was big again as I saw. But for a minute I stopped and sized up the stadium. Knowing that they can fill such an enormous building with their fans filled me with respect.
I’ve spent the last 20 minutes behind the stage in my little room. I was sitting in the middle of the messy and small room and every kind of thoughts were reeling in my mind. Then I felt a touch on my shoulder. As I looked up I saw Martin.
“Mia, darling, we were searching for you everywhere. Why didn’t you tell us that you leave without us?”
“I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“I see. Ah, it was great – just he and me” he moaned a big one as he sat down with a beer.
“Where’s our tom cat now?”
“He’s warming up. We should do it too. Come, let’s go into his dressing room. It’s better when we three are together!”
When we stepped out to the corridor in the clothes we wear on stage, we bumped into a bigger group of fans, who were waiting for the ‘Meet and greet’. Their eyes popped out when they recognized their God, Mr. Martin L. Gore. They greeted him – they nearly fell over each other. They were very sweet. One of the girls quietly screamed when Dave peeked out of his dressing room half-naked to see what these noises were. He waved to the fans and told us to go in.
By the time we walked into the room, he already put on his black vest, showing us his back. Martin drank a long sip from his beer and I was just standing there, watching a music sheet as an alibi.
“What’s up, what’s up Martin? Did you warm up?” Mart shook his head “Then start it! What should it be?”
“Mary has a little lamb” I said.
Dave laughed “That’s Rosie’s favourite. Kitty, it’ll be hard for you. You must sing it with one breath.”
“I’m sure I’ll mess it up, but let’s try it” a little smile ran through my face.
“Deep breath and one, two, three!”
I forgot to sing cuz I was watching him so hard to see how he does it. Now Dave couldn’t finish it either, cuz his singing turned into laughing as he was looking at my open mouth and slightly booby expression.
“What is it, kitty? Haven’t you seen me singing before?”
“I did, I did… it’s just that… you can sing this song like this and so quickly and with one breath!” I broke out amazed “I’ll never learn this!” I put my hands onto my hips.
Martin laughed as he was sitting there with his guitar in his hands then he looked at Dave.
“Hey, don’t say this Mia” Dave stepped to me and caressed my arms “You can do it. First I couldn’t do it either, but during the years it sank in. Here, you can have the lyrics too” he pushed a paper under my nose.
“Thanks, it’s a ‘big’ help” I ran my eyes on the lines, but the cynical tone didn’t bother him.
“Well then one, two, three and four…”
The second time wasn’t better either. I had to stop at least six times because I couldn’t pronounce the English text. This made them laugh and I started pouting.
“This is for professionals, not for such a beginner like me” I shook the paper.
“We can’t start the concert until you sing it at least once” Dave joked “Don’t make them wait. Can you hear them?”
I could – there was a loud uproar outside, it was like the sounds of a generator. And the boys were still ahead of the ‘Meet and greet’.
“Oh boys, please be very kind to them! This is a dream for a lot of fans, I mean to see you from this close…”
“We know!” they said in the same moment “Kitty-Mia, come see when I really feel myself like a black panther” Dave smiled and went on “Behind the bars in the zoo – this is how it feels like when they’re staring at me. You’ll see, it’s a strange feeling.”
I frowned as I sighed then I rather took the paper into my hand again and I read through the lyrics for a few times, concentrating hard.
“Alright then, let’s try it.”
Dave smiled and counted back. And I could sing maybe to the half of the song then I started coughing, cuz a mote went onto my throat. The boys looked at me worried and Dave stepped closer, hesitating.
“Relax, relax, just dust” I held up one hand then sipped from the water “Again!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep! Don’t make them wait.”
And this time I had to stop just before the last line.
“Wow, kitty! This was great!!” Dave’s face brightened up while I was gasping for air.
“It really was” Mart smiled at me too then stood up and put his guitar down. His fingers were ready for the concert. “I think it’s time for us to show ourselves to the lucky ones” he stretched.
Dave nodded and I followed them. The fans weren’t curious about me. Before we stepped out I whispered into Dave’s ear “I’m staring at you the whole day too…” and I stepped out of the way.
“I know, sweetheart” he whispered back when we were already on the corridor, where at least 20 fans were waiting for them and behind Martin’s back Dave pressed a quick kiss onto my lips. Although there was no evidence, every fan could see what David had done. I stepped aside embarrassed. How did he think this? Why is he playing with fire? He can duck us easily, I thought looking back at them worried, but he already began shaking hands with the fans. I was standing a few steps away, my hands folded in front of my chest.
The boys tried to be very kind to them. Dave winked at me and he hugged and kissed every woman on the face. I grinned at this and at the effect of Dave’s gesture: knees went weak and air became thin there. Dave was playing with them. He looked at them with his saddest eyes, he smiled at them with his love-me-please-love-this-poor-little-puppy smile and he was flirting with them. And they loved it. They loved him without conditions. One of the girls – when they posed for the photo – and he pulled her closer to him, started crying, cuz she was so moved by this. Dave did to them what he wanted to. And he was enjoying it. If he asked them to do 100 press-ups, they’d have done it without a problem – anything for the Master.
“You’re insane!” I mouthed to him with a smile when I saw him looking at me next to the photographer’s head. He grinned widely and it came into my mind right away that this’ll look great on the photo. Martin smiled faintly too, but I felt a little tension in him. Then I’ve decided to walk towards the stage to leave them fully for their fans.
Unbelievable, I thought, there’s no one who wouldn’t eat out of Dave’s hand. What a guy! If he wants, if he wants… And then the tears in his eyes came into my mind… His slightly smeary face, his sad eyes, his quiet sniffs. This god loved me and cried for and because of me. The person who was playing with the girls behind my back… he had a mesmerizing effect on them and as I saw he had it on the boys too. I was walking slowly when they caught up with me and he stroked my butt quickly, smiling at me impishly.
“You’re playing with fire” I whispered.
“I know, I’m playing with you, you fierce lover, you!”
“Dave, we shouldn’t…”
“You turn me on even when I just look at you. Look!” and he looked down.
“Oh god” I moaned.
“Kitty, we have 15 minutes left, come into the dressing room!”
“Are you nuts?”
“Yes. Yes, cuz I love you and I want you. You’re in my head instead of concentrating onto the show. It’s not too professional.”
“It isn’t David.”
“Martin?” I looked at him questioningly still shaking my head.
“Thanks but usually I’m in another world when we are this close to the beginning. Or I could say that I’m too nervy. I rather warm my fingers up a bit more” he answered in a neutral tone. He was jealous again, I knew, but we couldn’t do anything against it.
“See, kitty? Just the two of us have left” he slid his hand onto my waist, which made me look around.
“You really are crazy, Dave!”
“I am! I go crazy for you! I want you, Mia! Don’t deny yourself from me, or else I’ll cum on stage from your voice and sight in this… hmmm… very sexy dress of yours…”
“Alright, alright! I hope no one’ll see us!” I pushed his hand off of me and I turned back with him, hoping that the fans weren’t there anymore.
We were lucky. He pulled me along the corridor and I saw that the bulge in his trousers grew bigger. He nearly pushed in the unlucky door and he pressed his body against mine right away.
“I have to do a quick job, sweetie, but I’ll be profound, I promise.”
He navigated me to an armchair so I was facing it and he was already inside me from the back. He wanted me so badly that he couldn’t see or hear anything around him. I wanted to get up and lock the door, but he didn’t let me. He pressed me to the armchair and he was raging in me, pushing his head into my neck.
“Oh god, Dave!” I cried out “Dave!”
It was as if he didn’t hear me, he was just grabbing my hips harder.
“Dave! Softer! Please” I moaned “This hurts…”
“Uh, I’m trying, but I can’t control myself, I can barely bear it, Mia, oh god, Mia!”
“Dave, sweetheart, just do it in the way you want it… concentrate on yourself, I’m yours. After the show I’ll get my pampering-dose too. Jesus, you beast!”
“You make me wild, Mia!!!” he moaned loudly “Yes! You’ll get what you deserve!” he growled towards the ceiling, grabbing my hips painfully. I knew that by the end of the show they’ll be purple.
I could only moan, but with a quick and rough thrust he exploded in me. He was panting wildly and he was sweating hard. He was just hugging me, fighting for air.
“Oh my god, Mia, I love you so much” he moaned into my ear, but he didn’t move from over me. I began to think that we’ll be late because of the front man’s horniness, but at this moment Jonathan knocked at the door and told us that we must be on stage within five minutes. I could say goodbye to my panties and there was no time to search for another one.
“And now I should go on stage without panties?” I dried his body with a towel “How many panties had the same faith, my panther? Don’t you know?”
“Me? Martin tore the others off! Do you know that I have very few unharmed underpants since we’re on tour? I think the place where I order them thinks that I joined the underwear business and I’m a seller too” he laughed. Now he was relieved, happy, relaxed and satisfied. Perfect for a concert.
“Yes of course. You’ve stolen at least one. And another three panties of mine are dead because of you!”
“Do you regret it?” he caressed my arm.
“Not too much…” I smiled “Come, let’s go. I bet that only we’re missing now, which can be conspicuous…” I kissed him on the mouth.
“This felt so good! More!” he asked.
“Bad boy! You must concentrate on your audience. Go, my hero, go! I can still remember perfectly how my knees went weak and how excited I was… I barely could breathe when I saw you coming onto the stage.”
“Just like now, right?”
“Just like now” I nuzzled to him.
John impatiently warned us again. He knew exactly how Dave was relaxing in the last 15 minutes.
“Let’s go!” I smacked his butt and he laughed from this.