After a few minutes of struggling Martin finally asked – on a bit unsure tone – what he wanted to know.
“Dave… I was thinking a lot in the last couple of days – mainly since I freaked out in front of you… Well… I replayed those times in my head when Sue came into my life…” here he paused for a moment cuz he noticed that Dave’s eyes got a bit darker “… and I remembered that expression you had when I’ve announced that I’ll merry her… and that she was pregnant with Viva…”
“Why do you tell me this now?” he asked quietly. He remembered that day, which pushed him into a very long and painful period of time. And he still hated that day in the same way.
“I just want to know what was going on in you then. I want to know your side of the story. Because we agreed that we will talk honestly about those things we haven’t told each other.”
“I hated you for that. And it hurt hating you. I felt as if you had left me, that you threw out me… I was much younger and bull-headed in those days” he sighed “And, you know, I took it badly. You know the consequences.”
“I was afraid of this… that you hated me… But you’ve pushed me away earlier and I had to be harsher with you to protect myself. At the same time you’re the most destructive and most beautiful thing in my life…”
Dave just smiled softly and caressed Mart’s face next to his “It was unbelievably hard to see you happy on her side, that she could give you want I couldn’t, that you could live with her in peace. You didn’t have to hide your feelings, you could love her freely… I couldn’t bear it and I wanted to ease the pain. But nothing helped. So I used harder and harder stuffs. When I overdosed myself, I thought that it’ll be better… that nothing’ll hurt and finally I can get rid off the pain. But they brought me back.”
“Luckily” Martin noted quietly.
“Did you feel the same way back then? Because you had a family, your life was complete without me” Dave answered and he couldn’t hide that little ill feeling in his voice, which was still inside of him after all these years. The cut was too deep on his soul to forget it.
“My life… wasn’t complete… because you weren’t a part of it…” he looked into the wounded eyes again “I was lying to myself that it’ll be better this way, that it’ll be better for everyone. I couldn’t understand you. I couldn’t understand why you’d pushed me away. I blamed myself that I was too much for you, that I stuck to you too much and I put restraint on your freedom – so to say. Cuz both of us knows that you’re driven by your instincts… I mean, that you’re an emotional person. You want everything quickly and in an instant, but you know that you can’t always have what you want…”
“Just like I couldn’t get you for a long time either. I was confused. I was the great Dave Gahan, who can play with everyone, who can get anything, I couldn’t even had to ask for it. And I was very proud that I owned you. I was awfully vain and egoist. And it had its result – I’d lost you for 10 years. But maybe I needed this hard lesson to step over my own fussiness.”
“Yes… Although you’ve paid the prize sorely” he closed his eyes for a moment as those chaotic and frightening times came into his mind “Would you tell me why? Why did you push me away? Did I do something wrong?”
“No, not at all” Dave smiled bitterly “You know how I was back then. I didn’t dare to face a lot of things and I believed that everything we did was my merit. You were one special piece of my ‘collection’ and I was simply enjoying that I could play the king in my kingdom. You haven’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t willing to face which kind of feelings I had for you, cuz in the depths of my soul I was afraid from this whole thing. And to convince myself that I was still the one who held control, I wanted to prevail over you, doing what ever I wanted to do with you. If you like: to punish you without any reason and to see you suffering. For a long time I proved with my heartlessness that you had no effect on me. But I had to concede that I was wrong – and it happened that day when you stepped in front of me with that tortured expression and announced me that you’ll get married. You did the right thing. I felt so sorry that you had to suffer this much until that point… and all because of me” he closed his eyes, because he lost control over his emotions for a moment.
“And I thought… But I knew that you’re like this. There weren’t too many chances to say no to your will, I could tinge you just a bit… I loved you too much so I tried to bear everything – suppressing my own emotions and needs. I just wanted you to be my island, where I could rest, where I could get some caresses or a kiss. It’s true that Sue gave me this, but making that decision and face you with it was awfully hard. When I was standing there and told you those words and I’ve seen your face, I thought that you’d hit me, that you wanted me to feel the pain physically too… Then and there I was fed up. But… back then… a part of my soul had burned out when I thought that it was over for good.”
“Well yes… it was as if you’d torn out, chewed and spat out a piece from me…”
“I’m sorry, but I had to do it, if I didn’t want to collapse completely.”
“And after that? What’d happened? After Sue became your wife were you able to live happily?” Dave looked into the green eyes. He could confess to himself that he was afraid of the answer.
“I was happy, yes. But as I’ve mentioned, not completely. I’ve missed you. You’d left a hole in me and not even Sue or Viva could heal it.”
“And what did you feel when I’ve got into the hospital after the overdose? When I practically died?”
Mart’s face flinched from the question so he had to close his eyes. He sighed a big one before answering. Back then he was badly sized with compunction, because before that he had a bad relationship with Dave and Martin thought that he’d never be able to see him again, that they’ll “part” with anger.
“When John gave me that call, I thought that I’d die too.”
Dave just smiled from the bitter memory of lying in hospital and when he woke up it was as if thousands of accusing eyes had been watching him, although just his band mates and Kessy were there. But the worst thing was to look into Martin’s eyes… That was that moment when he realized completely the consequences of his actions. He will never forget that strong pain he felt. That was the moment when he’d decided to stop using. It was awfully hard – real physical pain – as if visiting Hell. But his blonde friend was always there in the background for him. For a short while he thought that everything’s gonna be fine, like in the old days… but it didn’t happen that way. Martin wasn’t willing to risk his family because of him and Dave’s anger towards Sue just grew. He’d stopped using, but after Ultra the band got into a crisis again, because he wasn’t willing to really speak to Martin until his divorce…
“You hated Suzanne really much, right?”
“Sorta. Was it this obvious?”
“When she was there it wasn’t” he mused for a moment “But I see a lot more than the others who look at you.”
“What did you see?” he nuzzled closer to the warm body.
“I’ve seen that you hated her without any reason. She wasn’t the one to be blamed. You hated me too, but Sue got most of your hate – you wanted to blame her for the pain my decision had caused. You should have hated me and not her. Just me. And I guess you did.”
“I wasn’t able to hate you enough.”
Mart smiled from this faintly and stroked along Dave’s tattooed arm.
“Luckily. But not speaking to me – just when it was really necessary – was another very painful period of time. I thought that after Ultra Depeche was over. I’ve heard that your relationship with Jen got more serious and that you wanted to start a new life in
“Don’t tell me that… you were jealous?!” Dave smiled maliciously.
“Why? You weren’t?”
“Yes I was, but you’re much more cool-headed than me.”
“Maybe, but I know jealousy too” he smiled a bit too.
“How did you live it?” he asked and gave a gentle kiss onto Mart’s mouth.
The other man enjoyed Dave’s taste for a few moments then looked at him again.
“I tried to concentrate on my family and work, putting the feeling into a hidden corner of my mind and not thinking about what you could have been doing with her.”
“And what am I doing now?” he smiled, but there was something else in his smile too as the long fingers – barely touching Mart’s skin – were caressing his lover’s side. A shiver ran down Curly’s spine and goose bumps appeared on his skin.
“Now you’re trying to change the subject…”
“Now I’m enjoying the moment.”
“Yes I see and feel it” he laughed out typically. Then he gave Dave a smile, but his green eyes were still shining. He sighed then went on quietly.
“David… sometimes I feel like a moth, which burns himself if he gets too close to the flame. You’re my flame.”
“So… I have a moth?” he laughed quietly while embracing Mart to pull him as close to him as it was possible.
“Just in case you like silly moths, which are willing to risk their lives to the objects they adore above all” he answered, nuzzling to Dave in the tight embrace.
“Of course I like them… Would I be with you if I didn’t?”
“I guess you wouldn’t… In that case you’d have just burned me, not letting me to live on…”
“I won’t burn you. I need you.”
“It’s good to hear this, sweetie” he kissed him tenderly.
Dave returned it smiling. All those things in the past didn’t matter – they couldn’t change the way he felt for Martin. He was happy to have him – that he could finally be with him. He fell asleep thinking about this.