The days were passing by quickly and Dave got more and more excited that they’ll play in
New York soon. He’ll be able to spend some time with his family calmly. He missed the kids the most. He smiled when he was thinking about how happy they’ll be when he steps in through the front door. They’ll ask him to tell them stories and to go to the park and stuff like that. He couldn’t wait to do these things.
Meanwhile Mart tried to be happy for Dave. The singer deserved to be with his beloved ones on familiar grounds. But his lover couldn’t fully suppress that little sadness he felt because of the upcoming two
New York gigs. It seemed that after all Dave was the winner of the last chaotic decade – he still had his family, his marriage was working despite the smaller problems they had. But Martin – nonetheless he still had a good relationship with Suzanne and the kids – was alone, if we don’t count those women he was with since his divorce. But of course he paid attention not to let his front man see anything from this.
The singer was eagerly waiting for their jet to land and he quickly said goodbye to the band to return home. He knew that his family was waiting for him and he smiled when he started rattling at the door with his keys.
“Hi, honey!” Jen hurried to him and took his bag so he could take off his leather-jacket “We had been waiting for you!” she smiled at him and gave a kiss onto his mouth.
“Hello, darling!” Dave hugged his wife tightly then he had to release her quickly so he could hug the kids too. Rosie started speaking immediately and sometimes she was so fast that he could barely understand what she told him. He just laughed at Jen then they went into the living room. He quickly put his things down so he could pay all his attention on his family.
“Was everything OK with the flight? Are you feeling okay?” his wife asked following him into the bedroom.
“Sure. You don’t have to worry for me all the time” he smiled and put his other bag down.
“Alright” she stroked along Dave’s arm “We were about to take a walk with Rosie at the peers. Do you want to join us or you’d rather rest a bit?”
“Sure I go!” he snatched the opportunity, cuz he wasn’t able to see his family since a long time.
Now that Dave was with his family, the blonde man had time to think. Yes, somewhere he felt jealousy, but he didn’t say a word, he let things flow as they wanted. He felt himself closing up again, thanks to the last few days and he knew that Dave’ll notice this, but Mart couldn’t do anything against it.
Dave was enjoying the time he spent with Jen and the kids, but the time of the concert was closing in quickly and he had to go to be able to prepare himself for the show. He said goodbye and headed for the stadium. He knew the others’ll be there, cuz they had not much to do in the city. He was sure they’ve got into their dressing rooms much earlier. After he’s got in, he stepped into the common room. There was some football match on the flatscreen and his mates were killing time with chatting.
“Hi!” Dave greeted them taking off his jacket and scarf.
“Hey there, Dave! Finally you’ve got here!” Fletch checked his watch, turning halfway back to look at him “Was it good being at home?”
“Sure!” he smiled “And you’ve found shelter here against this big city or what?”
“The hive is too big” Mart shrugged in a bad mood as he was watching the match with his arms folded in front of his chest.
Andy just rolled his eyes “I took a long walk and bought some things for the kids” he rearranged his glasses with a smile.
Dave just nodded as an answer then glimpsed at his blonde mate. He wasn’t surprised: Martin’d changed. Was he angry because of something? He slightly shook his head then collected his things and headed towards his dressing room.
Curly looked up to watch Dave disappering with a serious gaze and an expressionless face then turned back to the screen, just grunting some answers to Fletch’s notes. Then it was time to prepare themselves for the show. Mart got over it quickly and was sitting in his dressing room until the beginning of the concert, playing some accords on one of his guitars. When someone came in to tell him it was time to go, he went into the common room and glimpsed at Fletch, who crunched his fingers, at Christian, who played with his drumsticks, at Peter who was thinking about something with closed eyes, and at Dave who was warming up with jumping from one foot to the other.
Dave was listening to the crowd with pleasure as they were loosing their minds and patience, chanting the band’s name, signing them that it was time to show up on the stage. For a moment he closed his eyes then he walked out to face them. The fans rattled and as he walked into the middle of the stage he bowed towards them. After the others took their places as well, he grabbed the microphone and started singing to Martin’s first guitar melodies.
The Madison Square Garden was always a special concert place in the band’s life. Partly because of its composition, and partly because it was in New York. The audience picked up the rhythm within a few moments, cuz they were hungry to see this double concert. As Martin glimpsed to the side, once he saw Jen in her flowery dress, propping her elbows on the railing, watching her husband lost in her thoughts. But Curly’s eyes moved on quickly onto Dave’s figure, who was shaking his ass on the catwalk. No matter how much he closed himself, this didn’t let him untouched. As the man was moving there, it made him burn for him and he felt his body awakening, but he suppressed the feeling. He knew that Dave was clear with it what these moves of his makes with Martin. He knew that the show was partly for him, but he tried to concentrate on playing his guitar.
Dave enjoyed ruling the crowd, which went crazy for him. Screaming from every move he made, chanting his name, reaching out for him, but it could never touch him and he liked this pervert game. He let this hungry animal closer and closer to him with a smile, just to dance away laughing, then giving it hope again, toying with it to make it try to catch him again. He’d got into a quite strange state of mind from this. The audience couldn’t get bored from his game – it was like drug to them, but this drug was called Dave Gahan. During singing the last song, he looked down at this thousand-handed, raging, suffering and addicted beast he’d created. He possessed the thousands of souls it contained, making him immortal, meeting them every night. As he reached the last lines, he could nearly see the churning saliva in the corner of its mouth as the monster was roaring and barking at him, because of not getting him and he left the catwalk laughing. They’ll meet tomorrow again.
Dave hasn’t listened to the crowd’s begging, he melted into the darkness as he headed for the corridors behind the stage. He stepped into his dressing room with a smile on his face. It was a good night and this made him happy – he could barely wait the next concert. But his smile faded away and disappeared when his blonde mate came into his mind. Somehow he was colder with him again and this made Dave uneasy. He wanted to speak to him on every account.
Curly went back to the hotel with Fletch and Peter, chatting. They’ve got out of the car and after a while Mart said goodbye to them to go up into his room, have a shower and crawl into the bed. He felt himself tired. He wanted to sleep and close out the outside world from his head.
Dave knocked in that moment on the white door. He hoped that Martin’ll let him in. The blonde man, laying in bed, growled and turned to his side, hoping that that someone in front of his door will give up after not getting any response. But that other person didn’t want to give up so he knocked again, but this time louder. Martin cursed quietly – cursing himself as well because of not putting out the ‘Do not disturb’ sign onto the door – and he got out of the bed in his grey T-shirt and boxers, shuffling to the door to check who dared to disturb him at this time.
“Dave… what the hell do you want this time of the night? I was sleeping” he glimpsed at the clock, which showed him that it was around half past two in the morning “Go home, we’ll talk tomorrow” he murmured with a sleepy head and was about to close the door.
But Dave stopped it with his hand “I want to talk to you. Now” he stated on an imperative tone. His eyes showed that his dominant and ruling self took mastery over him. It was rare for Martin to greet this side of him – it happened mainly during making love. He let go of the door unwillingly so the singer could walk into his room.
Dave did it and after Mart had closed the door, he looked at him. For a little while he was just examining him then asked: “What’s your problem with me?”
“Nothing” he shrugged “I’m just tired.”
“Are you lying to me?” Dave asked maybe a bit angrily “I’ve noticed that something’s wrong with you! In the common room you were acting like a pouting 5 years old, who couldn’t get outside to play with the others! Tell me what did I do wrong this time, according to your sick mind?! For what am I responsible this time?!” he raised his voice at the end.
“Dave, just go away” he told him on a calm tone “I’m not in the mood for this now. I want to be alone. I want to sleep. We’ll have a busy day tomorrow.”
“You’re not in the mood…” he repeated on a nearly broken tone. He walked to a nearby table and propped his hands on its surface. This wasn’t the first time to find himself in such a situation like this and after every time he thought it was getting more and more unbearable. He grew tired from this. When he looked up, his eyes reflected his pure and huge sadness and pain. How long can this go on like this? How long can he bear it? Once he nearly died from it and looking at the bigger picture he’d paid a high prize until now for the things he’d got in exchange. “So you’re not in the mood? And how long do I have to wait to find you in such a mood?” he asked on a harder tone.
Mart examined him then his eyes were resting on Dave’s tired face. He didn’t want to torture him, but now he wasn’t able to open up himself for him, to talk about his feelings.
“Dave…” he sighed and a regretful spark flicked in his eyes “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to do this right now” he walked to him. But despite his words and eyes his face remained still closed.
Dave pulled away from him “You don’t have to be able to do it” he hissed and his words were close to turn into hate-filled ones.
Mart’s face and eyes hardened from this even more. The hot-headed Dave is not able to understand him… again. “I thought that you know me enough to know in which kind of mood I am in, or that I’m able to talk about my feelings or not…”
“And you expect me to adapt myself to your mood-swings, and don’t care about the pain you cause me?!” Dave quirked “I’ve nearly died because of you and your feelings, and I should understand them!”
“Dave you want everything instantly again. Why do you want to force my answers from me? You know that I’ll tell you them anyway – if I want it and I’m ready for it” he said, still holding up his expressionless mask.
“Maybe I won’t be able to wait for you to tell me your problem. If you can’t answer my questions right away when I ask them…” he sighed “In such situations like this, I’m not sure that you love me at all. I’m not sure that you aren’t just playing with me. I’m asking you because I want to know what your problem is, but you don’t give a fuck! In the end it’ll turn out that you have a woman in your life again and you want to marry her and I should fuck off?!”
“You’re imagining things again.”
But Dave just shook his head “No. You keep things from me again – as you used to do to me often. I’m scared from the things you don’t want to tell me.”
Martin didn’t answer just turned away a bit, exhaling slowly as he was standing next to the door with his arms folded in front of his chest. Dave sighed resignedly. He saw that he won’t get what he wants from him so he headed for the door. Mart followed him just with his eyes, watching Dave as he hurried past him. He looked up just when the singer closed the door quietly.
When Mart was alone again, he sighed a long one and looked up with his sad eyes. He walked to the window and watched the empty streets. This sight was unusual to
New York, but Mart could draw a dark parallel with this and his current state of mind. How could he tell it to David? The thing which he feared the most? It wasn’t about just jealousy. Although he could have given him this as the cause, it wouldn’t have made any good to lie to his lover. No, he loved him too much to tell him this “gracious” lie. But next to this he wasn’t sure of himself. Was he doing the right thing, closing out David from his thoughts? Now that he’s in such an unstable emotional state? He doesn’t want him to believe that he just uses and plays with him. But he can’t tell him about that dark shadow, reaching for his heart with its ice-cold black fingers, getting closer and closer with every day, filling his soul with fear and horror.
Yes, the day of Dave’s next control was coming nearer and Martin was afraid from the results. He saw on Dave that he tried not to think too much about it, he tried to hide it behind his lively – and a bit lightheaded – nature. But the blonde man saw on him that he was scared too. Martin didn’t want to think about the “what ifs”. He would not be able to lose him… in every meaning. No, they belong together and they will always be like that. It doesn’t matter what may come.
Dave stepped into his dark room and was doing his circles restlessly. Martin can always make him angry – he had a talent in it. Or he just loved him too much. He slowed down his steps and looked at the dark and cloudy sky. It was about to rain. It was as if the heavens wanted reflect what he felt inside now. After a few days time he’ll come back to this city. He was never this afraid to return home.
Next day the brown man woke up sleepily. His eyes had dark circles under them, because he couldn’t sleep too much. He saw strange dreams during the night and tossed and turned a lot. Once Jen told him that when he has nightmares, he usually moans plaintively. In these cases he always wakes up from his wife’s nice body heat as she nuzzles to him. Her closeness calms his ragged breathing quickly and can go back to sleep calmly. Now he hadn’t got this relief so his nightmares went on. He fumbled his way into the bathroom to look at his reflection in the mirror. The concerts and his illness have started showing on his body. He’s lost a lot of weight and he knew that he looked sick. It was normal during an exhausting tour, but he felt more uneasy than usual. He looked away from his unshaven face and stepped under the shower before going down into the hotel’s restaurant to have a nice breakfast.
His blonde mate had a hard night as well. He could fall asleep just at dawn – until that he was thinking about his fears and the things that had happened recently. And when he couldn’t bear it anymore, he grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote out a part of his frustration in the form of some lyrics. After a few hours’ sleep he took a shower, dressed up and went down to have some breakfast as well – although he wasn’t too hungry. He didn’t want to be alone, cuz he was afraid that he’d go nuts from his own thoughts. Downstairs he’d spotted the singer immediately. He fumbled the food on his plate, so Martin headed towards him.
“Mornin’. Can I sit down?” he asked while he examined the unshaven and tired face.
Dave looked up with empty eyes “Sure” he answered and returned fumbling his food, sometimes bolting a bite.
Mart sat down next to him with a sigh as he noticed that Dave wasn’t eating properly – again.
“You here? Why? I thought you went home to Jen and the kids.”
“I couldn’t. Not after last night” he answered then sighed and put his fork down.
Mart just hemmed and nodded then started examining the menu, but at the end he just asked for a coffee. He wasn’t hungry anymore after looking at the tired singer.
“Won’t they be worried about you?”
“No. Jen knows that lately the concerts wear me out more. She knows that it can occur that I simply don’t have the power to go home.”
“I see…” he sipped from his coffee then he was just watching the dumpy singer for a few minutes.
Dave’s head was full of thoughts. He grew tired easily. If he stays ill and this goes on like this, the time will come when he won’t be able to do it. Then he’ll have to stop it?
Mart’s heart nearly broke, but he pulled himself together and noted carefully: “You should eat, Dave. Not just because of the concert tonight, but because of your meds too…”
Dave’s eyes flashed up at Martin like a blade “I know well what I have to do and what not! Don’t tell me, please! Nowadays suddenly everybody wants to play my mother! Everybody feels pity for me and is worried! I’m not a fucking dying old man yet! I don’t need your regret!” Dave snapped. His voice made some people at the nearby tables start. All the few people who were having breakfast looked at them with their mouth open.
“Dave, we don’t feel pity for you – we are worried about you, because we love you!” he said on a low tone after quickly looking around.
“I know, I know… I’m sorry…” he closed his eyes then looked at Martin’s face to examine it “I want you to come to my doctor with me” he spluttered, breaking the silence then he stared at his plate, as if he just wanted to take his last sentence back. What was he thinking? Of course Martin can’t go with him instead of Jen. He buried his face into his palms “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’ve said this.”
This honest outbreak took Mart’s breath away then he cleared his throat.
“No problem, David. You know that if I was able, I’d hold your hand all along” he scanned the slightly flushed face. He knew that Dave needs support now. He didn’t want to push him further down into his black mood.
“I wish you could do it” he sighed, pulling away his hands from his face, but his eyes were still closed, as if he didn’t want to face reality. “I’m so scared…” he admitted, but his voice was so low that Mart had to lean closer to hear his words.
Mart wasn’t allowed to move closer to him, because they were in public, but his eyes filled up with more worry and pain. His look got darker as he reached out with his right hand to take Dave’s wrist into it. He paid attention not to let it seem to be too intimate, but like a friendly gesture. He knew that his mate will understand the comforting meaning of it.
“What if they found something and I have just a few years left?” Dave asked again, his voice shaking.
“Dave, no!” Mart didn’t want him to think too much about this.
“What if… it will be more quick than the doctors would think and I’ll waste away… wither… I’m loosing weight – too much weight. More than usual.” he looked into the green eyes and his own ones were filled with his innermost fears, which were hidden in his mind until now “Mart… what if I die?”
“DAVE!” Mart raised his voice a bit, but not loud enough to draw attentions on them again “You will NOT die! You’re strong! You want to live, don’t you? Then fight! You’ve lived through so many things! You’ll live this one through as well! Because you are The Cat, aren’t you?” he asked thinking back at Dave’s junky period, while he felt his heart beating in his chest so painfully, hearing this opportunity he feared the most.
“I don’t know, Mart… this is different. I can’t influence this. The cancerous cells eats up people, the treatment weakens the immune system, ruins the healthy cells too… I don’t want anybody to see me when I reach the point where I can’t stand up from the pain, when I’m noting more than skin and bones, a living skeleton with tight skin on it… I wouldn’t be able to bear the thought the kids, Jen or you seeing me like this… Maybe the cat had lost all his nine lives” he grabbed Mart’s hand on his own wrist “I’m afraid going out on stage. The pictures they take of the shows and me scares me. I don’t want the fans to see me ill, and I don’t want people to know about my incidental death from first hands. I don’t want you to live through this” his eyes softened as he looked at Martin.
Mart was sitting there speechless and he had to stop the tears in his eyes from falling. This whole thing was as painful to him as it was to Dave. He just wanted to get up and run away.
“I wish I could take your pain away…” he whispered hoarsely.
“No. You’ve suffered long enough because of me. I don’t want you to suffer more” Dave stated on such a determined tone as if only his words would be able to secure somewhere that Martin would not get hurt.
Curly, seeing Dave’s firmness, smiled faintly. “Then don’t let bad things happen.”
“I can’t stop bad things from happening. But I’d really do anything to protect you, but I can’t. I’m trying not to cause as much pain as I did until now. This is why I want to apologize for everything I’ve done to you. Until it’s not too late.”
“You should rather concentrate on getting well and EAT! I’m not that important now” he squeezed Dave’s wrist a bit “We’ll have time to tell our apologies to each other, don’t worry!”
Dave just smiled faintly then took his fork into his hand again. He started eating with maybe a little bit more enthusiasm. He felt a bit relieved that he could share his fears with Martin – but only one thing could have really helped to forget his fears: if they said the cancer was gone.