After a few hours Jen returned to the hotel room a bit calmer, she pulled herself together a bit. She hoped that by that time Dave was back too. She suspected that after her storming-out he hurried to Martin right away. She wasn’t stupid. She stepped into the room quietly and sized up from one glance that Dave wasn’t there yet. But she saw that the light was on in the bathroom. She put down her bag next to one of the armchairs and waited.
He washed his face with cold water. He had to think, he can’t let his emotions drive him – not this time. He staid like this for a few minutes then straightened up and reached for the towel, wiping off the last water-drops as well before walking out of the bathroom. He noticed the female figure in the armchair right away. He stopped for a moment then walked to Jen and sat down next to her.
“This isn’t this simple.”
“Then explain it!” she frowned.
Dave sighed then closed his eyes and leant back in his armchair “I badly want you to understand this!” he moaned plaintively “This has started so long ago… a long time before you came into my life… He and I… we lived through everything together – good and bad things as well – and we did the worst ones to each other. But this relationship never died, it lasted and made it to become even more special. We had to pay a lot to realize what we mean to each other… Martin was always by my side, he helped when I was in trouble. He’s very important to me” he looked at his wife.
“And I?” she had to swallow hard “How important am I for you? Just because now I feel like I’m getting less important… as if I was less than Martin!” she squeezed her own hands, which were resting on her lap.
“This isn’t true!” Dave protested “You’re my wife, the mother of my daughter and I love you! I always loved you since I know you. But Martin is different. You can’t compare the two relationships. You’re very important to me and I don’t want to lose you. This is why I was scared to tell you this. I was scared that you won’t be able to bear it. I wanted to protect you from this.”
“And this is why you rather lied to me through all these years, although we agreed that we’ll be honest to each other?” she had to hold herself back with all of her will and her voice was shaky from the suppressed anger. But with some difficulties she was able to calm herself more or less “What else haven’t you told me yet, David?”
“You know about everything else. But if I told you, would you have had the strength to handle it? And I couldn’t risk Martin’s family either with telling you this.”
“I don’t know, David. I have no idea” she squeezed her eyes shut for a few moments then hearing his last sentence, her hurt feelings had shown in her eyes “So you’ve thought that I’d run to Sue to gossip?!”
“No, not at all” he tried to calm his wife “But it was you who said that you wouldn’t have been able to handle this information. Maybe because of the shock you would have made wrong decisions and somehow Suz’d have got it too.”
“You don’t know me this much? Not knowing whether I was able to process this isn’t the same with obeying to an irresistible feeling and running to someone to talk things out! I’m not stupid, I keep such serious things to myself!”
“I’m sorry. You don’t know how stressful it is to keep this to yourself. If it came out… It’d mean the end of everything – Depeche Mode, our lives… I didn’t want you to live with this pressure as well.”
It seemed that from this Jen calmed down a bit, but the rigidness in her body and the pain in her eyes – the result of Dave’s distrust - stayed. After a few minutes of silent suffering she faltered out: “Do you love him?”
Dave looked deep into her eyes. He had to collect all of his courage to say it out loud: “Yes.”
“With love?” she tried to swallow, but her throat was too tight.
“Yes…” he said faintly and here he couldn’t bear looking into Jen’s eyes anymore.
She needed a few minutes – staring in front of her – to try processing the information and not starting to cry. Then she asked on a shaky tone: “Do you… do you love him more than me?”
“Why do you ask these things when you don’t want to know the answers?” he looked at her with a careworn expression.
“You don’t answer because you do… I see…” she looked away as the first teardrop ran down on her pale face.
“No, Jen. Just in another way. You can’t compare the two. I wouldn’t have married you, if I didn’t love you.”
A painful – nearly skeptic – smile ran through her face for a moment.
“So my rival is a man…” she stated.
“He’s not your rival” Dave shook his head “You see it in the wrong way.”
“Then how should I see it?” she looked up suddenly “Try to watch things from my point of view, David!” she raised her voice a bit “What the hell should I think? Why shouldn’t I think that I’m a failure as a wife?! Cuz you search for the thing I couldn’t give you elsewhere! Fuck!” she turned away again, wiping off her tears angrily and sniffed “Don’t you think I won’t feel less from this?! David, I always wanted the best for you and the kids. This is why I never wanted to intervene into this in vain… because I hoped that Martin will do good for your mental balance. But of course I couldn’t be sure, but I suspected that there’s something more between you two” here she risked another glimpse at her husband “But when I see that you’re depressed because of him, it’s a quite strong hint for me.”
“So this is why you took advantage of him and this relationship” Dave noted quietly “Jen, this have started 21 years ago. It’s not about you not being able to give me something, because it hasn’t started recently.”
Jen just nodded a little.
“But you have to know that even if I used Martin, I did it just to see you happy.”
“I’m happy, Jen. And I’m so scared what you’ll do with this.”
“What I’ll do with this?” she asked quietly, but it seemed that the question was rather for herself.
Her husband just nodded.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t assume that this wasn’t a shock for you, that it isn’t frightening you or that you’re not grossing out. I want to know what you want to do… what will be with our future? Do you want to leave me?”
Jen was just sitting there with her teary eyes looking out of the window, thinking about what to do or say. Her mind disagreed with her heart in many things. She had to clarify these on her own after calming down a bit. Until that she won’t be able to say anything to her husband anyway…
“I don’t know it yet. This whole thing is still too blurred for me. Yes, it scared me and I’m confused. I need time. I have to clarify things. I love you, David, but I need time now…” she muttered the last sentence.
“I understand” he stood up “You’ll find me, no matter how you decide” he answered then walked to the door and closed it behind him.
Jen’s heart sank hearing the dead-calm answer of her husband, though she was the one who wanted to be alone and have some time for her thoughts. She couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing.
Dave didn’t know at all where he was going, just walked along the corridor then stopped too before he started crawling from wall to wall. He pressed his hands onto his forehead. The situation got very complicated and he didn’t want this… he never wanted this! Why is his life this complicated? Why have to be it this way? Why him? Why was it that the one he loved from the bottom of his heart wasn’t his wife? And why was he threatened of losing the most precious treasure he had? Cuz how many people can say that he’d found his mate? Even if it’s from his own sex? Despite having these feelings for Martin he didn’t feel that he was gay. Moreover, maybe he would have been happy if he was. In that case it would be easy for him to choose and find the solution for this situation! But no. No other man could touch him the way Mart did. And he’s attracted to women as well, he wants his wife too, but he wants Mart as well…
“Why is this so fucking complicated?” he asked out loud while making his circles from wall to wall.
After 20 minutes, coming back from the fitness room, Mart spotted him still crawling on the corridor. Curly had to do some exercises to get rid off some of the tension, or else he would have gone insane. His forehead was still glistening from sweat as he walked closer in his tracksuit, his towel over one of his shoulders.
“Dave…” he addressed him carefully “How did it go?”
“Awfully” he propped his hands on the wall “She doesn’t know yet what she’ll do. I’m scared that she won’t be able to handle this, Mart…” he looked up at him “And I don’t want to choose between you two.”
“Come!” he took him by the hand after looking around the hallway and pulled him towards his room. He didn’t say a word inside just led him into the bathroom and opened the tap to prepare a nice bath. “I guess she’ll want to be left alone for a while now, am I right?” he stepped to Dave and started undressing him with a soft expression.
A deep long sigh escaped Dave. This wasn’t the sigh of relief or lust. Rather the mixture of those feelings which broke loose inside of him: love, trust, that he has someone to rely on, who’s always on his side. This was a sigh of a 21 years long relationship.
Martin smiled at him reassuringly after pulling the sweater and the T-shirt over Dave’s head, starting to work on his belt. “Don’t worry. Give her time. The most important thing now is not to haste her. Let her process this on her own pace” he explained on a calmer tone. The exercises he’d done earlier did good for him. “And if she asks, answer straight” here he looked up into Dave’s eyes “You have to handle her very carefully now.”
“I’m so unsure” he looked into the adored green eyes. His voice was broken and weak. He just wanted to hide away from the world in Martin’s embrace.
“I know, I can see it” he stroked along his arm comfortingly “But let’s hope that we can get out the best from the situation” he took off the rest of Dave’s clothes as well then after a soft kiss he pulled down the zipper on his own sweatshirt and started undressing. Dave just watched his blonde mate getting rid off his clothes. After he was standing naked in front of him, he turned around and walked to the bath, checking the temperature of the water and put some bubble bath in it too. He felt Dave’s eyes on him during the whole process, but it didn’t bother him at all. After closing the tap he straightened up and turned towards his love, reaching out one hand “Are you coming, my sweet?”
Dave couldn’t resist and slid his fingers into Mart’s hand, letting him lead him to the tub. After they climbed into the nice warm and fragrant water, Mart pulled Dave to him and kissed him tenderly. He started washing him gently with the sponge to relax him a bit. Now that their relationship was in danger, he tried to show his tenderness and love in every form. He wanted him to feel, he wanted to say and show to Dave how much this love meant to him. Dave’s muscles slowly started to relax wherever Mart’s hands and soft touches wandered. He closed his eyes and enjoyed these small moves.
When he finished, he dove into the water to wet his hair then pulled Dave to him tighter, caressing his face and waiting until he opened his eyes.
“Everything’ll be fine.”
“I hope so” he smiled faintly and leant closer to steal a soft kiss.