Dave slowly opened his eyes. The early morning’s light got through the break of the huge balcony’s draperies and drew a thin golden line on the expensive wooden floor. He didn’t move – he wouldn’t have been able anyway: an arm was around his naked stomach, its owner breathing quietly into his neck as he nuzzled to his back, keeping him warm. The brunette smiled sweetly: he loved such nights. When they weren’t fighting for dominance and didn’t fulfill their dirty ideas just nuzzled to each other to talk into late night or just lay in the dark, enjoying each other’s company until they fell asleep. He didn’t want to give these things up. He belonged here, his mate knew his true self, all of his secrets, desires and thoughts. He loved him for himself and he couldn’t be grateful enough for this.
Martin murmured something in his dream about Dave and tightened his embrace unwillingly, tickling Dave’s nape with his messy curls as he moved his head too. Dave slightly lifted his head and tried to peek over his shoulder, but he didn’t want to wake up the blonde man, so he put his head back onto the pillow with a smile. He didn’t want to think about what he’ll do in case he has to leave him. And he was always afraid thinking about this and he tried not to, he just tried to save as many moments, feelings and touches as it was possible. Before this relationship he could never experience how pure love can be. He was just a kid – egoist, gassy and vain. Martin was the one who pulled him back to the ground, showing him that he had more inside and that he sees this. Maybe he was the only one who really could see him. He didn’t know why his wife loved him. He loved Jen, he needed her, he needed his family, a place he can call home and is full of life. But his love bound him, tied him with sweet chains and he was completely lost. Just when he got it did he realize that he always wanted this and the peace and happiness which came along with it.
After a few moments Martin moved again and this time he loosened his embrace and turned onto his back. He moaned quietly then started whining as – probably – he entered a nightmare. His body and face strained from the pictures and started shaking, muttering such things like “no you can’t take him away” or “no… don’t do it”
Dave turned towards Mart and gently touched his arm. He pulled himself up to his ear and whispered: “Mart, I’m here… I’m here with you… relax…” he breathed tenderly while he let go of his arm and softly ran his fingers through his curls.
The sleeping man’s careworn face turned towards the caressing hand immediately, but the creases on his forehead stayed. Although he was quieter now, he still whined.
“I’m here…” Dave repeated and carefully nuzzled to Mart so he could feel his body-heat and scent as well…
Mart jerked and came round. He didn’t know yet where he was, but his cloudy eyes started to search for Dave immediately. There was no need to search for too long, because his love bent halfway over him. Mart gave out a relieved sigh and closed his eyes for a moment. He put his arms around the naked upper-body without a word and buried himself into the tight embrace.
“Bad dream?” Dave asked.
“Yes…” he murmured somewhere by the singer’s neck.
“Will you tell me?”
“I’ve lost you” the painful whisper came.
“You know I wouldn’t let that happen” he answered with a faint smile.
Mart didn’t answer just nodded and inhaled Dave’s familiar scent deeply. He put his head back onto the pillow and looked up into the love-filled shining eyes “What is it? What are you looking at?”
But Dave said no words. His eyes drank in Martin’s sight.
“Wondering how much you mean to me….” his quiet reply came.
“And?” he smiled up at Dave, caressing his nape.
“Awfully lot” he closed his eyes “I can’t word it.”
“Then don’t think just kiss me…” he asked with a whisper, his eyes glistening.
Dave smiled and fulfilled his wish: driven by his emotions he leant down to kiss him.
Jen was sitting in their flat in
New York and was thinking hard. She took the kids to spend the night by their friends. She didn’t want them to see that a serious problem came up between their parents. The longer she was thinking about this, the more she was shocked and couldn’t figure out what to do with this knowledge. For 21 years… Dave was in love with a man for the last 21 years! This was shocking news for her. Knowing that the so much adored and “perfect” idol was doing this… For a very long time she considered herself very lucky when Dave proposed her. She knew that it won’t be easy with the singer, but she was prepared for the worst – women, the return of drugs and booze. She accepted that she won’t see her husband for a long while then all of a sudden it’ll be more than enough of him; that millions of envious women will look at her like dirt; that she’ll have to stomach a lot next to him. But it was worth it, because she loved him. Until now she thought that their marriage was working well despite the small hardships! And now suddenly the shocking truth came upon her: the way she saw things was far from truth. She didn’t even know whether she knew her husband or not! Does that Dave Gahan exist at all, whom she wed? Or the whole thing was just a lie? She was handy when he wanted to start his own family and create a calm, stabile background for himself?
She was totally confused. She didn’t know what to do or say to her husband. She became unsure about his feelings too. Were they true or he just got used to the comfortable and safe life next to her and he didn’t want to lose it? Were they the safe point in his life where he could run when he had a debate with Martin? Jen shivered. Because how could her husband love two person equally in the same time? Of course she knew that he had a huge heart and needs lots of love and he returns it gratefully, but…
She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face into her hands. She wasn’t able to cry anymore. In the last few days she let the last few drops fall. But in the same time she was scared too. What’ll be with Dave if she separates them? Or that’d be the right step to take? Dave needs a normal life – he already got more than enough from abnormality. But what if she doesn’t know her husband… what if just Martin does and Dave shows just a picture to everyone else? Will he be able to love her? But he chased his desires long enough, didn’t he? She knew that her husband will never grow up, but she wanted him to take at least their family a bit more serious! It came into her mind what it’d be if this got out to the press… What’d they say to the kids? She was sure that even if this wasn’t the end of Depeche Mode, they’d attack them a lot. And a lot of fans would turn away from them because of their prejudices. Jen was trying hard not to be one of this judging category. She tried to accept the fact that her husband was bisexual. And this brought up the next question: which side did he prefer better? Women or men? Her or Martin? And if the latter then he lives with them because this is more accepted by society? No, she knew that Dave wasn’t such a man who bows for society’s expectations. He doesn’t protest against them the way Martin does, but he does things the way it suits him. So her man wanted this family from some reason. But why? Why does he need them if he has Mart, whom he loves – according to his confession? He’s in love with him.
No matter how hard Jen tried, she couldn’t imagine from Dave nuzzling to the blonde man, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, kissing him, embracing him just to be with him… no, her mind protested against this. Dave was her husband! And he said that he was happy this way. Happy… how? He “keeps” her and the kids to satisfy the needs he has towards them then he turns back to Martin? But she had to confess that when they weren’t in the studio or on tour, they didn’t meet too often and Dave’s happiness with his family looked genuine.
Her head started to ache from this much thinking so she stood up and opened the balcony’s door, sipping from her orange juice and letting in some fresh air to clear her head. Sooner or later she has to make her decision and have to face Dave. They have to talk this through. But not yet. There was still a lot to think about.
Dave was standing silently in front of the window and was watching the Swedish cityscape – but he didn’t really see it. His wife hasn’t called since she’d left him there and this filled him with worry. His fears have been growing with every passing day. He retreated into his own little world where he was hoping for some protection, where he believed that he can put off making his decision. Thinking of this made his stomach flip over. Fear had eaten itself into his mind. He avoided the blonde man – he avoided everyone – anytime he could. When they asked him he answered, when he had to smile he smiled, but inside he was empty – dreadfully empty and cold.
It was useless for Martin trying to get closer to him – Dave shifted him off with every lame excuse he could think of. The situation reminded Martin badly to those times when the singer was just using him, playing with him. But now he didn’t want it either. He just closed himself up, keeping the distance. Though this was Martin’s way! But this time the blonde man didn’t behave like his nature would have dictated. He just wanted to hold on Dave, but he didn’t dare to show this too much. He was afraid that he’ll lose him; he was afraid that Jennifer will slowly pour poison into their relationship with keeping her husband and him in the dark. In the last few days the fear Martin felt has slowly turned into desperation and he felt that he won’t be able to take this for long. But of course during the years he’d learned how to put on his perfect mask. However, when he looked at Dave – who barely wanted to talk to him – his eyes revealed his feelings.
Mart was slowly freaking out. He couldn’t understand Dave’s behaviour – or rather he didn’t want to understand it. Surely he knew that in case Jen wants him to choose, they won’t have a mushy happy end, where he gets the neat prince and they walk away together into the sunset. No, reality was much more rational and cruel than this. Dave will choose Jen and his family and he’ll be alone. Again. He couldn’t bear this thought and tried to suppress it with all of his might. But this was why he couldn’t understand Dave either! Why was he wasting his time with closing up right now? Haven’t he lost enough years from their lives already? Years they could have shared? Why was he wasting his time? Why? Now when they could be still together! Though Martin didn’t know for how long. He didn’t know when will Jen decide to make a move, but at least until that he wanted to use up the time they had to the full. Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? He didn’t know. Everything was depending on her.
He couldn’t take it anymore. After the show was over – he looked quite closed and absent during it – he went up into his room to take a shower and after a few cigarettes and some crawling he took the leap. In a few minutes he was already knocking on Dave’s door.
Dave walked to the door mechanically and opened it. When he saw Martin, his eyes didn’t show anything – just the way his irises darkened a bit had shown that he wasn’t expecting a visit from him.
“We have to talk!” he put his right hand onto the door, making himself ready in case Dave wanted to slam the door shut.
“I’m busy” Dave said on an unusual cold tone. He’d noticed that Martin couldn’t handle the situation better either, but he just couldn’t bear being near to him. It hurt so badly!
“Leave your fucking excuses, Dave” he pushed the door in with the first sparkles of anger in his eyes, and pushing the singer backwards a bit he let himself into the room “This can’t go on like this anymore!” he turned towards him after a few steps.
Dave closed the door with dead-cold calmness and slowly turned around to look Mart in the eye “Let me hear your little monologue, let’s get over with this.”
“Let’s get over with this? LET’S GET OVER WITH THIS?!” he rose his voice at the end, while his heart painfully sank from the pain “How can you tell me this?” his voice failed him as he was standing there in disbelief.
Dave looked onto the floor as if he was ashamed. He remained silent for a long while then said: “This way it will hurt less when it ends” he whispered very-very quietly.
“Ends?” he repeated hoarsely and watched the singer prostrated “You think this gonna end sometime? Because I don’t think so. Our lives are way too mingled… we love each other too much…. or at least I do…” he became unsure at the end when it came up in his mind that maybe Dave didn’t love him that deep as he did.
“Or at least you do?” Dave repeated “You think that I don’t feel anything for you? Anything? For me this situation is like someone is cutting deeper and deeper into my flesh, tearing it out! I’m fucking scared, I’m worried about you and fuck I don’t want to live without you!” Dave broke out with fierce emotions at the end.
“But then… what good is it in pushing me away again?! Now, when I finally opened up for you?!” he lead himself on, rising the volume “Now when I’m this fucking vulnerable?! When I bared my soul and heart to you?! I know you’re scared! I’m scared too! But you’re hurting me again, Dave, and IT FUCKING HURTS!!” he shouted then as if it was cut, he stopped.
“And you?! You did the same to me for years!” Dave quirked “You have been doing it for FUCKING 10 YEARS, MART! What do you think how did it feel?! So fucking great?! Or those things during Devotional – those were just coincidences, huh?!” he pointed his index-finger on him as if he was able to transmit his anger like this “YOU have pushed me into these things and you didn’t give a shit what was with me!”
“It was unintended, you jerk! We’ve discussed this earlier! I didn’t know about your true reasons! After you came back from death and we’ve finished Ultra, I wasn’t willing to risk my life and family, which I was barely able to resettle, just for you! You were an arrogant ass and I didn’t know whether you were able to change!” here he took a deep breath “Yes, you’ve changed… And I fell in love with you again!” his irises were swirling from anger and the loose emotions: desperation, love, desire and pain.
“Sure, cuz Dave Gahan was always just an emotionless, arrogant ass and will always stay one, right?! Just you can suffer, you sensitive, weak, abnormal and sick soul – yes you are one, you just never had the courage to admit it even to yourself!” Dave shouted, but after the words left his mouth, his anger disappeared and was replaced by fear “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
The blonde man’s upper-body moved slightly forward as pain hit the middle of his chest, thanks to Dave’s words. His eyes filled up with such clear disappointment and hurt feelings, which Dave wasn’t able to watch for more than a few seconds. He’d hurt him deeply… again. Mart felt as if Dave marched into his soul not just alone, but with a whole army. He was just standing there without a word, frozen to the spot where the words hit him and looked at Dave with his lips pressed together. His heart was bleeding.
“Mart…” Dave said faintly, cuz he saw the pain in the green eyes. He stepped towards him and reached out one hand to touch him.
“Do you really see me like this?” he asked on a painfully quiet and broken tone.
“No! Don’t be mad at me, I was angry… I didn’t mean it like that…” he looked at him begging.
“Then how did you mean it, David?” he shook off his hand.
“I, I just… It always looked for me that you didn’t take the things I went through seriously… cuz you were never able to understand and forgive my mistakes.”
“Dave…” he closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief before looking at him again “How many times should I tell the opposite of this? If I haven’t forgiven you, I wouldn’t be here with you now, I wouldn’t love you this much. If I didn’t take these things serious, then I wouldn’t felt that I was dying when I’ve seen you lying there broken in the hospital… You do this on purpose?”
“But still you bring these things up and rub them under my nose how great the pain was I caused to you! Why?”
“For the same reason you hurt me!” he was staring at Dave’s chest.
“Why do we do this to each other?” he asked.
“Because of self-defense, I guess… When one of us is freaking out, we want to cause the same amount of pain to the other. Or do I see things in the wrong way?”
“No. I defend myself so you can’t cause me more pain. Because you are the one who can really do that. I don’t want more pain” he closed his eyes “I just want you.”
“Then don’t push me away again… please!” Mart’s throat felt so tight again as he looked up into Dave’s eyes with a lustful and vulnerable expression. He was standing there with his bare soul and it was up to Dave to decide whether he’ll lift it, or stomp on it, shattering him completely.
“What do you want me to do? I’m so scared! I can’t take this anymore… the question ‘why?’ is always on my mind! Why had this happen this way? Sometimes it comes to my mind, that maybe it’d be easier if I wasn’t married…”
“No, Dave, you’ve put a lot of work into that relationship, you can’t throw your family away!” he stepped to him and took Dave’s face between his hands, so he had to pay attention on him “Look at me! If there’s someone here who has to step aside, then I’ll be the one” he said quietly but deliberately.
Dave’s face turned into a painful grimace hearing this and the glistening of his eyes showed that he was fighting with his tears “Noooo” he whined “Don’t do this to me! You’re my everything! What… am I without you? Please, don’t kill me!”
“No, Dave, listen to what I’m trying to say: if you have to choose, you have to choose them!” he said and didn’t let Dave free himself from his grip. Mart tried to keep up the façade of firmness to give some strength to his unsure love. “I’ll be okay” he lied quietly.
Dave grabbed Mart’s T-shirt firmly “I need you, don’t you see?!” he said in time with the first teardrops which slowly ran down his face.
“If it turns out that way, I’ll be here. I won’t disappear from your life…” he swallowed hard “… because we’ll work together.”
The brunette couldn’t say anything to this just closed his eyes and sobbed silently.
“Hey… hey…” he called him softly after he was able to swallow his tears back “Maybe things aren’t lost yet, Dave! It’s possible that everything’ll be fine and Jen gives us an answer which’ll be good for all of us!” he tried to comfort the man in front of him, not letting him to turn away.
“And what do you think, how high chances do we have for that?” he asked hoarsely.
“I don’t know, but hope’s the last one to die, huh?” he caressed his face, wiping away his tears with it. It hurt seeing his love this broken.
“I wouldn’t be able to leave you…” he whispered.
Mart just sighed, but remained silent. He couldn’t say anything. He knew, he felt that this conversation wasn’t leading them to anywhere. They were helpless and made no progress. They had to wait. And this waiting drove him crazy, made him tense and edgy… and desperate…. He didn’t want to lose Dave. He wouldn’t have been able to work with him without being able to touch and love him! That’d be cruel. He didn’t know what to do now, but he felt that there was no chance that he’ll leave this room now. And he didn’t want it either. He wouldn’t be able to leave the singer here on his own.
“I love you…” he whispered as he desperately tried to keep up the mask of steadiness. He wiped away Dave’s fresh tears and slowly bent to him to give a soft kiss onto the trembling lips. For a few moments he stayed motionless then pulled back a bit just to give him another bittersweet kiss. He was kissing the broken singer like this for long minutes. Dave was hanging to him as if his life was depending on it. He didn’t want to let him go, he wanted to stay like this forever! He returned the kisses hastily to suck as much from Mart’s presence into him as it was possible.